The Frustrated CFO

RIP Robin Williams... And a Few Numbers

Unfathomable!  Dead?  How can somebody so alive be dead?  Is it possible that a person who couldn't remain seated in a chair for more than a minute at a time during talk show appearances stays so still now?  Who can imagine this 500-miles-per-hour talking train to be completely silent?

Yet, I understand: The mud at the bottom of the depression well must be too thick to move and no scream can reach the surface.  There is only unbearable pain.  I am terrified imagining the emotional sufferings that led to this.  But it's hard to believe - he made so many people happy!  Steven Spielberg kept his number on speed dial during filming of Schindler's List - he would put him on speakerphone, so that he could cheer up the cast and crew with his endless jokes and impersonations.  Amazingly, his dramatic gifts were equal to his comedic talents.  At the end, none of it mattered - a good lesson to the vast majority of people who believe that popularity is the ultimate end game.

And now he is gone, leaving behind 102 acting jobs that drew $5.2 billion back into the entertainment industry; $50 million raised through Comedy Relief; endless hours of improvisational material that simply couldn't fit into his movies and TV shows (16 hours for Aladdin alone); #13 rank on Comedy Central's list of "100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time"; a speed of 15 impressions under a minute; 64 awards and nominations; 3 wives and 3 children...

Everyone's favorite Genie, gay impresario, cross-dressing housekeeper, Popeye, war-time disc jockey, and alien; a literature teacher and a psychiatrist we wished we met; the best player of the most dangerous game that can eat you alive - I hope he is at peace now.  Maybe now he can be this happy all the time:

  

Video Quote of the Week: What Would You Do for Your Art (Passion, Vocation, Life's Mission)?

The Frustrated CFO's preface:

I've been a John Water's admirer for... hell, I don't want to count the years, because the man is timeless and forever, just like the ugly qualities of the human species he saw, recognized, and had the unique brilliance to shove into our faces in the hyperbolized, grotesque fashion comparable to Goya's etchings.  I always think of him as a kindred spirit just as frustrated with his surroundings as I am.  Anyway, the first time I watched Divine in Pink Flamingos, sentencing Marbles to death for "first degree stupidity" and "assholism," I was captivated.  And it's not just about the talent for me.  His unabashed bravery and complete disregard for the established "civil" canons give me chills!  I'm not going to lie - I wish I could be that courageous and free.  And just as I thought that Mr. Waters, now 66, could not possibly enhance my appreciation of him any further, he went and hitchhiked across the country with a single purpose of writing a book about his experience doing it.  Wow!  Below is New York Time's video of him talking about it.  Enjoy and aspire! 

 

 

Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Ohio, or That Picture of Your Boss You Posted on facebook

I've said it before and I'll say it again: all entrepreneurial bosses are the same.  Of course, I don't mean it literally - they are not stamped figurines.  Yes, they are the same in their principal qualities (aggressiveness, single-mindedness, drive, vision, impatience, arrogance, callousness, etc.), but they are also different people with their own psychological makeups,  individual quirks, and human peculiarities.  Some can be informal and approachable, others are aloof and snobbish.  Some can be intellectuals, while others are simple and limited.  Some of them are religious conservatives, others are broad-minded libertarians.  Some are healthy and others suffer from an array of ailments.  Some like spicy food and others cannot stand a hint of curry or garlic in the air.

There is one universally common denominator that definitely unites all business owners, though - they are employers.  And as I wrote in CFO Techniques, one should never cross the line with one's employer, if for no other reason than in appreciation for creating one's job.

So, here is a little anecdote that involves a sociable female business owner, her all-male sales staff, and some spicy food. 

First, let me clarify one thing.  This woman, tough as nails and brutal in her nature, nevertheless strives to present a friendly and cheerful demeanor to the outside world.  Experienced people can see through that veneer and know to watch their steps around her.  However, when you get together eight men, even though subordinate, and one woman, even though a boss, the dynamic gets a little muddled.  I mean, when they are in a gaggle, it's especially difficult for men to suppress the testosterone.  It clouds their judgement and they forget for a hot second what's behind that charming smile. 

Oh, yes, and about the food: she really does like it hot.  You'd be in a restaurant with her, she orders a dish and then asks the waiter, "Is it spicy?"  The waiter smirks, probably thinking, "That skinny bitch will be asking now to make it mild," and answers, "Yes, ma'am, it's very spicy."  And she goes, "Could you, please, ask the chef to make it spicier." (Sometimes I actually consider of giving her a present of Pure Capsaicin Crystals, but I know she's going to try them and I don't want to be responsible for the consequences.)

Back in December, she held a three-day sales summit in the company's NYC headquarters - all salesmen came over from their different locations.  This usually means breakfasts, lunches, and dinners together.  Thankfully, in NYC that's not a problem.  The team enjoyed French-Asian fusion, classic American steakhouse, Korean...  An Italian restaurant is always a must, since the sales person with the most seniority comes from a Bolognese family. 

Unfortunately for the boss-lady, Italian food doesn't offer too many possibilities for extra-spicy.  She orders Shrimp Fra Diavolo over linguine, but it's not doing the job.  Red pepper flakes are asked for and happily received.  She starts shaking the plastic thing over her plate and orangy-red bits sparingly drip out (there is a reason the container is designed this way - one must use the hot stuff with a caution).  That's not enough for her - she starts shaking harder and harder...  until the top flies off and most of the pepper from the bottle ends up in the sauce.  All the men at the table are laughing their heads off - the boss slipped up!  Maitre d' sees it (how can you not, with all that violent shaking?) and immediately runs over, offering to replace the dish.  The lady refuses and laughs lightheartedly with her "boys" about her clumsiness.  She removes some of the pepper excess onto her bread plate and proceeds to eat what, I imagine, is an unbelievably spicy pasta without breaking a sweat.

Six weeks later, the same group of people is on the road visiting their Rust Belt customers.  They started in Pennsylvania and are now on their way to Ohio.  I'm sure my readers understand that the food scene in the industrial towns of Western PA is not quite the same as it is in NYC.  Here you go for Italian because it's probably your best choice.  So, there they are again with dishes that vaguely correspond to the Italian names on the menu.  This time around the owner's sauce is not spicy at all, but the generic plastic bottle with red pepper flakes is already on the table.  She reaches for it and the shaking ensues.  The memory of the NYC debacle is too fresh for the boys not to bring it up: "Be careful, don't shake the top off," a few of them warn.

Let me step aside for a second: Just as the bosses' human qualities differ, so are the ones of the subordinates.  A couple of them are of the self-conscious type - they simply don't want to be inside a public spectacle again.  Others are genuinely concerned about her not spoiling her food.  Yet, there are always those resentful, passive-aggressive employees, who secretly cherish the idea of a boss making a fool of him/herself.  One of those had his iPhone at the ready.

Well, as you probably guessed, the container's top comes flying again and a half of the red pepper flakes ends up on the pasta.  Oh, the childish hilarity!  Everybody laughs - some wholeheartedly, some to cover up the awkwardness.  The prepared dude snaps the picture and immediately posts it on facebook.

A young salesman who told me about the repeat performance of the pepper flakes show was visibly hesitant and uncomfortable with the whole facebook posting part.  I was simply appalled at the disrespect.  And what about the owner/CEO herself?  Did she fire that rude fucker?  Of course not.  The emotions should not interfere with business - it's impossible to replace a high-caliber sales exec overnight.  But I know this woman very well.  She's never going to let it go.  You can see it in her unsmiling eyes when she laughs about the whole thing.  She is on the lookout: as soon as she finds someone else, the insolent fool will be gone.  She will not even flinch; just like she doesn't flinch from the spiciness of her food.

Quotes of the Week: Everyone Is Disparaged at Home

"And when the sabbath day was come, he began to teach in the synagogue: and many hearing him were astonished, saying, From whence hath man these things? and what wisdom is this which is given unto him, that even such mighty works are wrought by his hands?

Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not  his sisters here with us?  And they were offended at him.

But Jesus, said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house.

And he could there do no mighty work, save that he laid his hands upon a few sick folk, and healed them. 

And he marvelled because of their unbelief,  And he went round about the villages, teaching."

                                                    Mark 6:2 - 6

The Frustrated CFO comment:

Philosophical and belletristic powers of biblical stories lie in their proverbial precision and universality.  It's no surprise that people frequently use phrases that became ingrained into our common cultural consciousness without even knowing that they are quoting the Bible.  

In this particular case, many use a simplified version (No man is a prophet in his own land); others put it into their own words ("He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot" [Douglas Adams]) - but the truth remains: People who know us privately, who observe us growing up or growing old, who see us in our house robes and undies, who bring us tissues and teas when we are sick, cannot appreciate us for our achievements, even if they enjoy their fruits.

Great men and women are frequently treated carelessly by their siblings, long-time friends, old neighbors, spouses, boyfriends, and girlfriends.  I frequently hear stories told by various business owners and executives about their children who have no idea what their parents do, don't care to find out, and treat them as if they were some silly schmucks.  Scary people who control fates and well-being of numerous entities and their employees around the world are made fun of at home.  My own daughter rarely shows any respect to me, but will admire and listen to other people.

It takes someone as objective as I am to acknowledge an extraordinary person in someone very close.  Alas, it's an impossibly rare exception to the common rule: one will not get honored in his/her own house.        

Executive Gender Equality: The Perversity of Admiration

Ever since this company made into a couple of 2013 national lists of the fastest growing entities, we have been accosted by a slew of various business services offering their assistance and support: insurance brokers, real estate brokers, HR management providers, marketing consultants, etc., and most notably for me - bankers. 

The troubles that befell the banking industry a few years back resulted in its consolidation.  The competition among the diminished number of the key players in the field of institutional finance has stiffened.  They are fighting for clients with proven records of steady profitability, growing equity, and assets with high market liquidity, which, of course, are not that easy to find in our "recovering" economy.  Hence, they are after our business.

All the better for us: We are approaching the expiration date of the credit agreement with our current lender and are looking for a relationship that would be a more suitable match to the fast-growing company.  So, I'm doing what I've done quite a few times throughout my career: I'm meeting with a lot of bankers - explaining the business, answering their drilling questions, providing them with extensive data, spinning the info in the most thrilling way. 

While all this is going on, I cannot help but notice the increased percentage of women in the banking mix.  Well, that shouldn't be surprising, actually: according to many statistical reviews, more than 50% of the corporate middle management in this country are presently females.  I hear from our own sales staff that purchase managers of our customers' (industrial sector, by the way) are predominately highly technical women in their 30s.

Of course, as we climb further up the ladder, the numbers diminish: men dominate upper management to the extend of 70-80%, and only 10% of the C-level executives are women.  Still, I used to be the only "skirt" in a room full of male execs and financiers.  Now, there is a female contingent on the opposite side of the table in 3 out of 4 meetings.  Hell, the founder/CEO of this company is a woman.  Hence, our board of directors is 50% female (her and I) - we are the tough side of the directorship.   

So, here I am in our conference room listening to two representatives from one of the 10 largest banks in the world, who are making a presentation of their proposal (aka a Term Sheet in business dealings).  One of them is a diminutive woman of Korean origin in her late 50s - she is the boss, the North-East Regional Director, a big gun brought on to get the deal closer to the finish line.  With her is one of her many subordinates - a young and ambitious man in his early 30s.  If I end up choosing this bank, I will get him as my Relationship Manager (RM).

The menagerie is balanced by a man at my side - COO/owner/our CEO's whity husband.  He has his full charm on: he cannot help it - he has a soft spot for Pacific-Asian women.  Now he admiringly "complements" the banker-lady for being deceptively tough, i.e. looking pretty and soft, while being steely behind her eyes.  I tense up: here goes seclusive male chauvinism, and you never know how a woman will react to it. 

She handles it beautifully, though:  "Well, you know how it is - brain and beauty combined are lethal."  She turns to me: "Right?"  Well, I wouldn't know - never got a chance to rely on no beauty, just my brain.  But I don't say that.  I just smile. 

I wish my COO would do the same, but he somehow takes it as an invitation for further "admiring."  "Yes, you are absolutely right.  I couldn't put it better myself," and he embarks on telling the bankers how his wife, our CEO, is especially successful in sales because she is a woman who can speak "sweetly on the phone."  He actually uses those words.  "It used to take me," he says, "four phone calls before Dow Chemical would call me back.  But she  sweetly leaves a voice mail and they return her call within 5 minutes!"

He is absolutely overjoyed with pride.  The Korean lady's mouth gets very thin and she looks at me again -we both know: this is how it is.  The men will always find the way to treat us as if we were inferior, whether through insults or with "compliments."

I am disgusted, but I'm willing to dismiss this on the principle "forgive them, for they know not what they do."  And right then he turns his head to me, looks straight into my eyes, and says, "You cannot repeat it outside of this room.  L. always gets very upset when I say this, even though I mean it as a good thing."

Seriously, dude?  You've been warned about it before?  By your wife, who is also your boss?  And what?  You cannot help yourself?  Of course, you cannot, because it's written into your genetic code, like a primal instinct.  And you are too insecure to consciously fight it off!  If it was me...  But she is not me, in many ways she is very different.  And that's why he'd financed this business for her.     

Tech-Savvy CFO vs. Technologically Inept Owners: A Boardroom Chronicle

Premise:  

Based on true facts, this present-day farce unfolded right after the company at the center of the story signed a new office lease.  The entity's CEO, an infamous procrastinator and a successful decision-dodger, has delayed the execution of the document to the point when only 60 days remained before the moving-in day.

Up until now, the fairly young business always occupied a full-service furnished office suite, where everything from pen holders to receptionists is supplied by the landlord, including all telecommunications and IT administration.  However, by this point the successful business outgrew the little rooms and the shared common space of the suites - it was time for the company to obtain its own residence.

As all logical people know, lease signing is only the beginning of a relocation process.  A lot of work needs to be done before a company can feel at home and be fully operational in its new place of business.  And nowadays, the IT infrastructure becomes a prerequisite to everything else.

This flat-structured small business has a misfortune of having a board of directors that consists of three technologically clueless owners (the type who cannot connect a printer to a PC) and a CFO.  The latter has been combining her financial and accounting responsibilities with those of a CTO throughout her entire career.  Needless to say, she understands what needs to be done, knows how to go about it (nobody else does in this company), and is more than qualified to make all necessary decisions.  Yet, the Board has a rule: anything that involves spending money must be approved by all four members.

So, here is the chronology of making a single decision under the described circumstances:

Motion 1 - 60 days till D-Day.  Upon receiving the fully executed lease from the lawyers, the CFO writes an eMemo to the owners requesting a Board meeting in order to develop an action plan that would ensure successful and painless relocation.  The plan should assign responsible parties and establish deadlines for each task.

The owners don't acknowledge that the issue was raised and two weeks pass in a complete silence regarding this matter.

(Side Note: All four executives are actually heavily involved in their day-to-day responsibilities.  They communicate extensively every day discussing various commercial concerns, while avoiding difficult extraordinary topics.)

Motion 2 - 46 days till D-Day.  Recognizing that the owners have fallen into their typical pattern of pretending that the problem doesn't exist (this happens every time an issue lies outside of their comfort zone), the CFO makes another attempt to mobilize the Board to set up an action plan.  This time she speaks to each of them in person.  They all nod in agreement - "Tomorrow," they say.  The CFO squeezes a two-hour time slot into her crazy schedule.

Three days pass without anything happening. 

Motion 3 - 43 days till D-Day.  The CFO feels the time pressure - at the very least she must start working on IT components, regardless of the owners' ostrich behavior.  The business will be simply paralyzed without an adequate infrastructure.  She really has no room in her schedule for all research, comparison, and optimization of  various ISPs, telecoms, and IT administrators...  But who else is going to do it?  So, instead of pestering the owners again about the "action plan," she writes a very specific inquiry:  "Please confirm your agreement with my taking charge of the groundwork for obtaining the Internet service, telephony, and IT administration support."  Without waiting for replies, the CFO starts working on the subject of the highest priority, i.e. the Internet connection, by reviewing nine ISPs whose services are available in the new building.    

Motion 4 - 41 days till D-Day.  At different hours, the CFO receives messages from the owners - all three are worded very similarly: "Thank you for asking and forward thinking.  Please go ahead with the projects." She can almost hear their sighs of relief - somebody else has made the decisions for them!!!  The CFO closes her eyes for a second and thinks, "The same shit every time.  I wish at least once I would let things run their course - just to see what would happen if I didn't worry about all of this, if I didn't jump in."

By carving little chunks of time in her schedule to deal with this shit, the CFO manages to come to her final ISP conclusion in 5 business days: to accommodate all of the  company's needs (including VoIP) she needs a reliable fiber-optics broadband.  She narrows down her choices to two ISPs - the award-winning Cogent with dedicated connectivity and Verizon's newest product FiOS Quantum ran through communal cables shared with all other users in the vicinity. 

Motion 5 - 36 days till D-Day.  She immediately gets quotes from both: Cogent values itself highly - $700/month with a three-year contract, plus $1,000 installation fees; Verizon's rate is only $129/month with a two-year contract.  Even with such a disparity in pricing, it's a simple choice as far as the CFO is concerned - she knows that Cogent will provide uber-fast, uninterrupted connection, and if something happens, she can be on the phone with an engineer within 30 seconds.  Verizon, on the other hand...  well, we all dealt with Verizon at one point or another.  Yet, for the owners all this technical staff is as difficult as Icelandic; the huge price difference, however, that's easy.   So, the CFO goes back to Cogent's salesperson and dangles FiOS Quantum at $129/month in front of his nose (virtually, of course).  He is taken aback - he had no clue that Verizon had started offering this brand new service in that building.  He cannot stop himself from uttering, "That's a compelling alternative."  The CFO doesn't dissuade him from this train of thought; she waits.  And he says that he would go to his director and try to get her a better deal.

Motion 6 - Same Day. Cogent wants the business - the salesperson reverts in two hours, dropping the price to $500/month with a three-year contract or $400/month with a four-year contract.  Both rates are exclusive of taxes and charges.  With this reduction in hand, the CFO immediately prepares a presentation for the Board, breaking down her selection process step-by-step and making a strong case for Cogent through detailed comparison and scoring of all providers.  She sends it out to the three owners and requests a board meeting to make the final decision.

Four days of silence passes.  The CFO understands: it's too fucking much for them, they don't want to deal with this, they are hiding.

Motion 7 - 32 days till D-Day. The CFO has no choice but to write to the owners again: "Let me remind you that installing the Internet connection must precede all other IT and telecommunication actions, including setting up the phone system, the computer network, etc. - basically everything that we need for the business's operations.  And it will not happen overnight!"  This gets CEO's attention.  She comes over to the CFO's office and says, "Let's decide by tomorrow the latest."

Two days passes.

Motion 8 - 30 days till D-Day.  One of the owners (already in possession of the previously distributed detailed presentation) sends an inquiry, "Can you make a comparison for me between Cogent and Verizon?" as if he just woke up to the issue. 

Motion 9 - Same Day.  The CFO prepares a simplified comparison chart intended for a 4-year-old audience.  Meanwhile, she tells Cogent that the decision is not settled yet and that she will appreciate if the provider gives up something else - like do away with the $1,000 installation fees and make rates flat, all-inclusive (taxes, charges, etc.)  The salesperson conferences in his Director and they yield.  The CFO simply cannot lose this deal: she goes around and collects the owners' consents in person. 

Motion 10 - 29 days till D-Day.  The CFO signs the contract with Cogent.

Curtains 

And this is just Act I.  Ahead, there are still decisions on a VoIP system, an IT Administration service, furniture, equipment... 

CFO Folklore: The Illusion of Irreplaceability

This is what always happens with severely responsible and talented people who take pride in the quality of their work and apply themselves hard, regardless of the rewards and recognition, material or otherwise: They do an extraordinary job in every function they are assigned, they show initiative and undertake tasks beyond their scope of responsibility, they set their own lofty goals and high performance standards, they pull off feats of creativity and miracles of ingenuity.  Truly they accomplish things that no one else would in their place. 

More frequently than not they don't run around screaming about their achievements - after all, they simply cannot operate any other way and they don't care that nobody asked them to be like that.  They themselves know that they are the best.  Plus, people around them acknowledge such efforts in one way or another - subordinates show respect, peers get testy, etc.  And the bosses?  They either don't notice anything, because their heads are usually up their asses, or they are too limited to appreciate the ace-level pilotage they are witnessing. 

As someone afflicted by this condition, I can assert that there is nothing healthy about it.  Privately wallowing in the knowledge that you are "simply the best" and that your work ethic is a cut above everyone else's, while not being adequately rewarded for your efforts, is nothing more than an addiction to one's own ego. It's vanity of the worst kind, because it violates the principles of objectivism and merit-based recognition.  And, like any addiction, it is accompanied by a couple of supplemental attributes. 

One of them is the inevitable development of passive-aggressive behavior: no matter how many times a person is going to say that she does it for the sake of her own self-satisfaction, something deep inside wants to be celebrated for the extraordinary abilities, efforts, and results.  This secret desire is in a constant fight with an extreme dislike of boasting.  Thus, the feelings and impulses get mostly suppressed and come out in the form of classic indirect hostility and resentment.

Another attribute is the illusion of irreplaceability.  The tormented crazies convince themselves that without them the company will not be able to survive; that everything will fall apart and go to hell.  They believe that there is no way somebody else could be found to fill their shoes.  And why not?  Nowadays, people like that are quite rare.  It's most likely that, if an employee in question leaves on her own accord or is let go for some reason (because she becomes unaffordable or her attitude becomes unbearable), the employer will never ever have someone that good in the same position.  But does it really mean that losing these truly invaluable workers is an incurable disaster?  Are they really irreplaceable? Let me answer this question by doing what I frequently do - relating the readers to an example from popular culture. 

In case you have not had a chance to check out the Netflix/Lionsgate's co-production Orange Is the New Black, I urge you to do so - trust me, you will not regret it.  The show's creator, Jenji Kohan (widely known for her Showtime offspring, Weeds), is a member of a still rare breed of entertainment developers, who is able to focus on female characters without reducing the finished product to gender-specific genres.  Orange is the New Black takes place in a women's federal prison, and its ratio of male to female characters is about 1:10.  Yet, 47% of IMDb users who rated Orange is the New Black (8.5 stars overall) were males.

One of the primary characters in the first season of the show is an inmate of Russian origin, Galina "Red" Reznikov (Kate Mulgrew).  This formidable woman runs... no, she rules the prison's kitchen and has an influence on pretty much the entire social canvas of the place.  By the show's start she has apparently been there for years and assumed a role of a Godmother for a tight circle of her "daughters."  She can be a real bitch, and a newbie should think twice before contradicting her.  But the truth is she is doing a remarkable job, keeping her fellow convicts and the staff fed and even rewarded with treats under the conditions of ever-shrinking budget, broken fridge, and oppressive hostility from some nasty guards.  As early as the 5th episode, it is impossible for the audience to imagine the kitchen without Red.  Obviously, she herself thinks she is irreplaceable.

Guess what?  Towards the end of the season, the combination of some people's foolishness and others' unsavory scheming gets her kicked off the throne and out of the kitchen.  So, what happens?  Do the lights go out in the mess hall forever?  Do the prisoners get shipped to another facility to be fed?  Nah ah!  Another head cook is found right there in the general population and installed in front of the range; she brings in her own crew; the cooking continues somehow.  True, there are no more yogurt favors, the menu is severely skewed towards Latin-American cuisine, and even the oatmeal comes out spicy.  But the plates are not empty, people are not starving.  Life goes on, while Red is driving herself insane with displacement anger.        

So, the answer to the above question is: No, you are not irreplaceable.  It may take a whole team of less adequate and more expensive people to pick up your tasks.  And collectively they will accomplish less and it will not be brilliant, but it will be just good enough for the business to continue, at least in the short run.  Let me assure you that nothing will fall apart, because doing things half-assed and with little care has become a widespread norm.  Everyone accepts poor quality at a higher cost nowadays, and so will your bosses.  And you, with your talents, skills and unsolicited attempts to jump over the high-standard bars, are just an ego freak.      

The Knee-Jerk Reaction to KPI's Showing a Loss

I fucking LOVE how every time you give small business owners, who are usually personally responsible for commercial side of the business, bad news about the company's performance (i.e. report losses), the first thing they do is start looking for faults in accounting instead of strategically correcting their own buying/selling practices.

"Are you sure no extra/double costs were somehow recorded by accident?"

What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?  And yes, I am fucking sure!  I've only been doing this shit for 25 years!!  You, on the other hand, found out that accounting exists only 2 years ago, and I was the one who told you!!!

The same shit - company, after company, after company...  It's like a fucking natural instinct - the goddamn knee jerk.   

CFO Folklore: A Dumb Boss Can Ask Questions That Will Leave a Wise CFO Stunned

A Boss comes to his CFO.  In his hand he carries a report bound into a vinyl cover with a clear front.  The CFO recognizes the presentation booklet she prepared for prospective institutional lenders and private financiers (the company is in the process of restructuring its operating capital).  This particular one is the Boss's personal hard copy: the CFO notices his doodles, scribbles, and squiggles right there on the title page.

The Boss gives the booklet to the CFO, "I've met these two guys yesterday over drinks at the Harvard Club.  I didn't quite understand what they do, but I want to send them this.  They wanted it electronically.  Can we send it as a whole?  I forwarded you their email addresses."

"Of course," she replies, "It's been combined into one file."

"But I've added a few pages."

The CFO skims through the presentation and sees that amid her slick statements, tasteful tables, and vivid charts, there are three pages of text she's never seen before.  She feels the habitual wave of anger she has learned to hide deep inside a long time ago.  She bites her tongue and doesn't tell him that the unprofessional pale blue arial font he chose clashes with the aesthetics of her report and that his text is too verbose.  She just looks him in the eyes and says, "Just send me your Word file and I will incorporate the pages."

"Files," he corrects her.       

The CFO nods silently.  It's clear to her: a separate file for every page - three pages, three files.  If they were all in the same file, he wouldn't be able to print them separately.  It would be too difficult for him.

The Boss still lingers.  "But are the pages all going to be, like, that scanned type?" he grimaces.

"I'm not planning on scanning anything, but yes, I will convert the Word pages into the PDF and insert them into the presentation, which is a PDF file itself."

"But then I will not be able to edit my pages if I want to," the Boss's tone is a mix of whining and irritation, as if the CFO makes his life difficult.  (Which she does, by the way: He always thought of himself as a brilliant man, but this bitch knows too much, understands everything quicker, and her level of expertise and professional standards makes him feel inadequate in HIS OWN COMPANY, for crying out loud.)

"Well, technically if you have Adobe® Acrobat® XI you can edit any PDF file." She thinks for a split second whether she should go on, then continues: "We can also insert the PDF as an object into Word.  Then you can edit your pages.  However, it will most likely, screw up the entire layout of the presentation, which is not good in case someone decides to print it.  I really do not recommend this." 

It all sounds like Chinese to the Boss, who, shockingly, doesn't speak a word of it, even though he used to have a business and lived in Hong Kong - for 25 years, no less.

"I don't know how to use any of that," he says, "Can't you just insert my Word pages without converting them into your presentation?" (It almost sounds as if he is about to say, "Is that too much to ask?")

This is just too funny, but the CFO keeps her face in check.  She decides that she's had enough of this conversation and it's time to stop explaining: "No, even I cannot perform that sort of magic" she says, "It has to be either Word, or Excel, or PDF file.  And PDF is the format of preference in this case."

"Oh, Okay."  The Boss leaves.

Now, the CFO smiles to herself.  And at that moment she realizes the true cause of her dissatisfaction with this job.  It's not this heightened level of irritation.  It's not even the fact that she's undervalued and underpaid.  It's the unfairness of life that forces professionals like her to work for dilettantes like her boss.       

Warning: Unpunishable Plagiarism

Plagiarism - the wrongful appropriation or purloining, and publication as one's own, of the ideas, or the expression of the ideas (literary, artistic, musical, mechanical, etc.) of another.

            OED, Vol. 11: 947

As OED's definitions go, this one is pretty straightforward: you create something, another person passes it as his own - that's wrong.  It is also linguistically polite.  Authors unrestricted by the structural conventions of dictionaries, can be more blunt about it. Late Alexander Lindey, a copyright attorney and author, in his 1951 Plagiarism and Originality wrote: "Plagiarism is literary - or artistic or musical - theft."

Note that OED's definition includes both ideas and their expressions.  Legally, however, only actual products are protected.  The United States Copyright Office clearly states: 

"Copyright does not protect ideas, concepts, systems, or methods of doing something.  You may express your ideas in writing or drawings and claim copyright in you description, but be aware that copyright will not protect the idea itself as revealed in written or artistic work."

To simplify: Copying Van Gogh's Sunflowers to a stroke and passing it as your own work is illegal, but producing endless still-lifes of vases with flowers in Van Gogh's style is absolutely OK.  By the same token, reproducing somebody's words verbatim without giving a proper citation is plagiarism, but recasting somebody's original idea with your own words, details, and attributes cannot be legally challenged.

Generally speaking, the intention behind the exclusion of ideas from the copyright protection is founded in the possibility of several people coming up with the same thought at the same time.  This indeed happens from time to time.  However, more frequently than not, the law, as it stands right now, makes what I call an unpunishable plagiarism an okay thing.   

Of course, it is infrequent that someone copies a painting, or steals a score from another musician's computer.  Actions like that can lead to criminal and/or civil law suits.  From time to time, we hear about people being expelled from schools or lose their jobs and professional creditability on account of plagiarism.

Sometimes, such allegations are unfounded and cleverly used to mar the innocent competition.  The fabulous Alan Rickman, whose character in the Broadway production of Theresa Rebeck's Seminar became a victim of such a scam, moaned with all the heart-wrenching pain his ample talent was capable to deliver: "Oh, to be accused of such a thing..."  For him it's the worst possible shame.  A rare man!  

However, when it comes to original ideas, only individual morals stand between one person's precious imaginative jewel and another person's grabby hand.  Unfortunately, morality being what it is in the present time, theft of the original ideas is far more common than pickpocketing and purse snatching.  As originality becomes more and more of a deficit, the stealing of it becomes more and more pervasive.  I personally don't care whether it's legal or not.  To me it's worse than a theft - it's an intellectual rape, a snatching of babies born in a torrent of a creative labor. 

In business environments it happens every day.  Those who watch NBC's popular series Grimm know that the show's core feature is to give a fairy-tale spin to contemporary life.  In a second season's episode Nameless, a video game company celebrates the development of a groundbreaking code.  Everyone involved in the programming of this extraordinary algorithm stands to make millions.  As it turns out, however, none of the people taking credit for it had actually authored the breakthrough idea.  It was appropriated by the team leader from a tech guy who came to reboot her system and offered the brilliant solution in exchange for a date.  Not only that she had no qualms about accepting the praise and the rewards, she wasn't planning to keep the date promise either.  She didn't even remember the guys name.

Whether in business or arts, the worst idea thieves are your peers, especially those who work with you.  Trust me, I know it first-hand.  One such incident occurred during my time as a high-tech CFO.  We were preparing for a teleconference with our venture-capital investors.  My fellow board member, the VP of Marketing, strolled into my office and asked for my opinion about the topics to be discussed.  You know, at the time the Internet companies were marked by a sense of democracy and camaraderie.  So, I let my guard down and laid out my thoughts.  All these years later, I still remember the shock I felt, when this guy took the lead of the meeting and repeated everything I told him verbatim, without giving me any credit, of course.      

It goes without saying that the world of arts and entertainment is a fucking snake pit that lives by the motto "Everybody steals."  It's pretty much an every-day practice. 

No matter how many musicians and fans scorned Vanilla Ice's shameless "re-phrasing" of the Queen/Bowie genius bass riff, "Ice Ice Baby" made millions, was nominated for a Grammy and won the American Music Award.  It only got worse since.  I happened to personally know a human equivalent of a music encyclopedia, and I constantly hear from her: "Wait a minute, I already heard this on..."      

In Woody Allen's Vicky, Christina, Barcelona Penelope Cruz's character Maria Elena bluntly states that Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem), a commercially successful artist, stole his entire painting style from her.  First, he reluctantly acknowledges that, yes, she was "influential," and later admits that "maybe he took from her more than he likes to admit."  Really?  With a hint of sarcasm Maria Elena says: "It's okay.  We worked side by side for many years, and you adopted my vision of the world as your own." 

Speaking of movies, it's impossible to get an unknown writer's script into a decision-maker's hands.  99% of studios and production companies do not accept unsolicited (i.e. not represented by an agent) material.  And even if you do get someone to read your script or to hear your pitch, the first thing you will need to do is to sign a legal document promising that you will never-ever sue that entity for stealing your idea.  Why?  Because, if they don't like the script but like the idea, they will most definitely steal it.

There is this tiny (in terms of viewership - $342K gross) Craig Lucas's movie called The Dying Gaul (2005).  It is a feeble attempt to expose Hollywood's perversity and corruption.   In spite of the presence of indy VIP's Campbell Scott, Patricia Clarkson, and Peter Sarsgaard, whose pull must be responsible for a $4 million budget, the movie is an unremarkable failure.  (Let's be honest, ever since Robert Altman's The Player (1992), you really need something extraordinary up your sleeve to embark on this theme.)  Yet, the film has one valuable tidbit of a real truth in it: When the main character refuses to change his script from a tragic gay love story into a heterosexual romance, the big-time producer with a $1 million check in his hand warns, "If you refuse, you will walk out of here with nothing, and I will give your story to someone else to rewrite." 

But don't think that only the unknown writers fall victims to Tinseltown's shameless pilfering of ingenuity.  The moment I saw a poster for Night in the Museum, I had a bizarre thought that Ben Stiller somehow managed to convince Gore Vidal to lend the movie a brilliant plot device from his novel The Smithsonian Institution (1998) .  You see, it was Vidal who made the historical characters come to life, most notably Teddy Roosevelt (but not dinosaurs).  Apparently, I was not the only one who noticed the uncanny similarity: the great writer himself openly spoke about it in various media.  Of course, he wasn't going to attempt any legal action - he's been around the block way too many times (his first publication is dated 1946 and his oeuvre includes 14 screenplays).  

Some occurrences of unpunishable plagiarism are simply ridiculous.  In 2007, Joe Swanberg (another semi-known indy writer/director) made a practically unseen ($23K gross) movie called Hannah Takes the Stairs:  Hannah (Greta Gerwig), a recent college graduate, is an intern and an aspiring writer, who is cruising from a relationship to  relationship, trying to find her direction in life.  Hmm... Wait a minute... Doesn't this Hannah live on HBO now? Wasn't she shoved into everyone's face by the hipster media for the past 18 months or so? Wasn't she supposed to be an alter ego of her "oh-so-original" creator, a "genius" on the list of "100 Most Influential People," the one whose name I promised not to mention in my posts anymore? A coincidence?  Nope.  If anyone did see the 2007 movie, it would be this HBO's you-know-who.  After all, she is a friend and a collaborator (Nobody Walks) of Ry Russo-Young, who co-starred in Hannah Takes the Stairs.

Speaking of those Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, it is my firm opinion that the biggest scrounger in fictional writing ever is J.K. Rowling.  Don't get me wrong, I love Harry Potter, but that woman sponged her material off everything she ever read (granted, she is a very well-read person). Let's not drown ourselves in the boundless sea of magical names representing wizardly attributes: Lupin = wolf (Latin); Sirius = dog (Latin via Greek); Severus = serious, strict (Latin); Dumbledore = stream of gold (a combination of "dumble" - a Nottinghamshire local for a forested stream, and French "d'Or"), etc., etc., etc., etc. Instead, I'd like to point out a few very specific items:

• Let me remind you that in 1961 Roald Dahl wrote a very popular book James and the Giant Peach about an orphan boy James Henry Trotter (Harry James Potter, anyone?!), whose loving parents were destroyed by a brutal rhino and who is forced to live with cruel aunts until a magician helps him to get out.

• In Gaudy Night Dorothy Sayers's lead character Harriet Vane describes her alma mater, Oxford's Shrewsbury College, as an incredibly confusing place with seemingly moving stairs. 

• During Victorian times, British citizens started depositing their money in the banks in increasing numbers.  Funny, they developed a slang term for the sovereigns the deposited - they called them "goblins." 

Actually, my list is so long, I can write another book.  How about "Harry Potter Genesis, Or Did J.K. Rowling Come Up With Any Original Ideas?"

Obviously, I am very apprehensive about the usurping tendencies all around us.  I know talented young people bursting with artistic ideas. Extraordinary pearls of originality simply roll off their tongues.  It's painful to admit it, but instead of enjoying their creativity, I behave like a robotic warning machine: "Keep it to yourself! Don't share it with anybody!  Stop dropping your pearls publicly!  Why did you post that brilliant thing on fucking facebook?!"  I know it makes me sound like a paranoid maniac (and it makes me feel real shitty), but what else can I do to protect them?  Their artistic expressions are incredibly unique.  Their verbiage is so catchy, their "friends" not only repeat it, but have the gall to claim it for themselves.   

How can we possibly control this?  How can we safeguard the originality? We can't: There is no legal way and most humans lost any shreds of shame a long time ago.  The only way to protect your ideas is to constantly convert them into products, so that you can stake your ownership via the copyright.  And even then, as examples above show, you are not secured from various brands of scavengers.