The Frustrated CFO

The Frustrated CFO'sTalk on International Trade Turns into Gender Equality Q&A

If you took my absence from these pages during the past few months as an indication of my giving up on the blog, you were wrong.  This activity is important to me.  If nothing else, it lets me "talk" without being interrupted.  It's just that the time slot in my overscheduled life, usually allotted to the writing of the blog posts, had to be temporarily relinquished to an extracurricular activity of preparing for a talk I was invited to give to a professional group called Women in International Trade.

Oh, no-no-no!  I'm not talking about OWIT (the Organization of Women in International Trade), the big non-profit with global reach headquartered in Washington, DC.  This group is much smaller - sponsored by a reputable New Jersey CPA firm, it is pretty much localized to the international-commerce entities and banks (like PNC) with offices and operations in that particular state.  It's not like they don't welcome sisters-in-trade from everywhere, it's just how their network happened to develop: commercial clients of the said CPA firm, trade finance clients of the said bank, the local government bureau that deals with exports - all of them work and live in New Jersey.   

And the reality is, there are a lot of big and small international businesses located in New Jersey.  That's where you can have large office buildings that cost a fraction of what they would in Manhattan; there is plenty of open space for manufacturing and storage; there are Hudson ports that can berth oceanic freighters, etc., etc.           

Truth be told, I would never know about these particular Women in International Trade if it weren't for one of the group's member who is also one of my former trade finance bankers and a friend.  She is the one who mentioned me to the sponsoring CPA firm's Chief Growth Strategist - a force behind a lot of women initiatives in the Garden State. 

They've been inviting me to participate in various women's and co-ed business events for some time.  But I have to admit that when you live and work in Manhattan, the hassle of getting to an 8 o'clock breakfast meeting in New Jersey's Essex County makes such invitation very unattractive.  I mean you need to drive or get a limo.  You'll do it for business, of course, but for a semi-social gathering... that's a bit too much. 

Of course, your attitude totally changes when the same professional group invites you to appear for them as a speaker.  Vanity is a terrible sin - it demands constant massaging of one's ego.  That's why some of us write books that bring meager royalty, give lectures without fees, etc.  Plus, unlike the vast majority of people, I actually enjoy sharing my knowledge.  And not for narcissistic, show-off reasons - I get a kick out of recognizing to myself, "I taught her that."  So, naturally, I agreed.

After the initial invitation, I kicked a list of possible topics at the talk's organizer and we settled on two that we both agreed would be the most interesting to international-trade professionals: the position of trade finance in the value chain and KPIs specific to international commerce.  I was advised of the reglament: 1.5 hours talk and 30 min Q&A.

"Well," I thought, "If you are going to talk shop with a group of working women for 90 minutes at 8 o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday, you'd better make it engaging and gratifying," and went to work.  The rule  of thumb is that 90 minutes of talking translates into about 15,000 words.  And that's actually is not very short.

Of course, if you are the one who proposed the topic in the first place, you most likely know the subject at hand through and through; you have already developed original ideas and time-proven recommendations; your thoughts and opinions are well formulated.  And that's great, but if you are not a professional lecturer who does this sort of things all the time, you still need to outline what you want to say; you have to construct your delivery in a coherent and logical way; you must prepare an exciting Power Point presentation that would prevent your audience from getting drowsy, and use cultural references to make your points memorable.  Yeah!  If you want to impress people, it's a lot of work.  As I said, vanity - it costs you.  

The third week of January came, and there I was, in New Jersey, shaking hands with the organizers and the attendees - by all appearances a group of successful and confident women, whose statuses make it okay to be out of the office in the morning hours for the sake of this event.

I proceeded with my presentation and it went well: they paid attention, they were interested, they nodded, they offered sensible and appropriate comments, they loved my visual tricks, and they sincerely laughed at my jokes.  The time ran out.  "Do you have any questions?" I asked.  I was convinced that I've had a pretty good idea about the points of the talk that could've prompted further inquiries.

Imagine my surprise when the first comment/question I've received was, "You are obviously a strong woman.  In your professional capacity, how do you handle male resistance to your authority or any other sorts of gender difficulties?" (Notice how the question was formulated: The woman had no doubt that I've encountered such obstacles ans she wanted to know how I dealt with them.)  

Slightly taken aback by the sharp shift of gears I skipped a bit, but really - just a bit.  I don't need to prepare for a gender equality discussion; I was born ready for it.  So, I briefly described my experience: the unfair treatment; the skewed perception; the idiotic remarks; the preferences given to nitwits because "they have to support their families" (many of us have to do the same); which battles I pick; what I say and how I say it; when I bite my tongue and walk away; how I lie in wait and then find a way to teach them a lesson, etc., etc.

Oh my God!  It was as if that question and my answer triggered a flood.  Apparently these women found my interpretation of the international-trade topics quite clear.  What they were confused about was why in 2015 we are still treated like second-class citizens.

At this point (the time was, obviously, running out), everyone talked fast.  Many things were mentioned: "honeys" and "sweeties," unequal raises, unreasonable promotions, difficulty of holding back the tears, female professional "ceilings," the insulting male disbelief at a good-looking woman who is also smart.  Amazingly, there were not a single person who didn't have something to add.   Nobody said, "I have no idea what you all are talking about."  You know why?  Because there were no men in the room.

One woman in her 30s who was just recently appointed to a Marketing Director position (her warpath has just began), asked me whether I was born "this tough."  Actually, I've thought about it before.  What I told her was that we (i.e. the women who want to succeed) are not born tough.  What we are born with is the ambition, the desire to be rewarded in accordance with our merits, the need to be treated as human beings regardless of our gender.  But, while we claw our ways towards whatever peaks we want to achieve, we have to acquire toughness.  We have to harden or they will eat us alive.

It is possible that I will never see most of the members of this group again, but when we were saying our goodbyes we felt like sisters.  I taught these women a thing or two about trade finance and performance analytics, and, in return, I've learned a lesson of my own:  There are no happy and satisfied women in international trade (and, I dare to extrapolate, in other business activities as well), because their ambitions and efforts are constantly curtailed on account of their gender, which is silly, irrelevant, anti-merit, and (call me an idealist) anti-American. 

Quote of the Week: Red Reddington and The Frustrated CFO Concur in Defining the Key to Success

The Frustrated CFO's preface:

I'm in the dental office, standing by the payment-processing counter with the endodontist.  We are waiting for one of the claim processors to estimate the out-of-pocket costs that will arise from the doctor's suggested course of action.  It's one of those full-service dental groups where they have all specialists, either on staff or itinerant.  This requires a matching number of assistants, plus administration - in other words, there are a lot of people around.  I'm here only for the second time.  Yet, I notice every person I've already met, "Hi, Vivien, how are you?"  "Hello, Christa."  (None of them wear name-tags or anything like that).  

The doctor asks, "How come you know everyone?"  Well, I don't know "everyone", but he seems like a nice guy, very pleasant, so I have an impulse for a wholehearted answer: "This is what I do.  If a person introduces him- or herself, I make an effort to remember the name.  Every time.  No matter who that person is - customer service representative on the phone, a salesperson in the store, a receptionist in whatever office, your dental assistant, people I meet in business gatherings.  If I have a chance, I immediately address that person by name.  ...And that's how you succeed in life."

Well, my dear readers, "success" is a relative notion, of course - this rule is not going to make you billions, but, I promise you, it will definitely help in whatever your life's endeavors are.

One of the women sitting behind the counter, Hope the Office Manager, chimes in: "But I'm so bad with names!"  I just smile at her sweetly.  In my head I'm thinking, "And that makes you a terrible administrator."

Literally a couple of days later I'm watching the first season's finale of The Blacklist on demand.  Imagine my surprise at the perfectly timed like-mindedness when, about 15 minutes before the episode's end, Red Reddington bursts out the following tirade written for him by the series's writers (John Eisendrath et al.):

"I must say, I'm very good at finding people.  I've tracked enemies far and wide.  I once found a hedge fund manager hiding in the Amazon... on the banks of the Cuini River.  You know what the key to finding your enemies is?  Remembering everyone's name.  It's critical to my survival.  Anyone knows the head of some drag cartel in Columbia; some politician in Paris.  But I know their wives, girlfriends, children, their enemies, their friends.  I know their favorite bartender, their butcher..."        

On Service Quality and Self-Worth: Unknown 500

There are smart people out there who always place their personal interests ahead of everything else.  I wish I could be like that, but I'm not.  In my life, other people and things end up claiming higher priorities than Me.  I'm one of those schmucks who get overwhelmed by the sense of Responsibility, as in guilt (familial) and duty (professional), and push their private matters aside.  I know, I know - at the end of the day by abating those feelings I essentially attend to my personal needs anyway, but that's a psycho-philosophical issue we can contemplate.  In real time it feels as if I do everything for others and neglect myself. 

That's why it takes me six months to get my ass to a dentist.  And that's why I let a bunch of out-of-pocket medical expenses to accumulate before I'm pushed to the wall by the deadline to file for reimbursement from the Flexible Spending Account (FSA, aka use-it-or-loose-it pre-tax medical expense program).  It's not just me either - two of my employees completely missed the cut-off dates for filing their claims, thus losing the portion of the wages they have been contributing to the FSA.  Maybe my attitude robbed off on them.  And that's too bad, because no job deserves such loyalty unless you work for yourself or someone dear to you.

But, as Bill Cosby would say after a 30-minute introduction, this is not what I was going to talk about.  This should explain, however, why when I was filing my FSA claims online a couple of weeks ago I had to upload quite a few receipts (required as supporting evidence) covering pharmaceutical, medical, and dental co-payments.  

Here is what happened.  I entered all claims, uploaded scanned receipts, pressed the "Submit" button... and the system hanged.  You know, one of those dead freezes when nothing moves no matter what you do.  Okay!  Not a big deal for someone who's been dealing with computers and the Internet, like, forever.  Close the browser, open the browser, go back on the website, log in, retrieve the claims (thankfully saved), upload...  Same shit! 

Well, as you can imagine, entering all information item by item, scanning individual receipts, etc.  took a "minute" already, so I wanted to resolve this bullshit ASAP.  I located the tech support number and dialed it, cursing under my breath the Flex provider for not offering a dedicated debit card option instead of this cumbersome claim filing. 

In the receiver a Steve answers.  Like I said, I'm an experienced Internet user, so I go straight to the core issue, "Is there a limit on the number of documents a user can attach to a claim?  Or maybe on the total size of attachments?"  Tech support is not customer service and it's reasonable to expect that they will catch on your short-cut approach.  Uh-uh!  Not Steve!  He asks, "What is the problem?" and I'm forced to explain the whole thing anyway.

He listens and says, "I've never heard about a size limit." (Note to all, only 1 out of 10 service people fully understands the system he supports.) "But I know what the problem is - you are having an Unknown 500."

Wait a minute, wait a minute: he knows that I'm having an unknown something?  That sounds strange, doesn't it?  But I keep my cool - I understand it's a system error: "What kind of error is it?"  In return he asks (you cannot get a straight answer out of this guy no matter what!), "Do any of the files you are uploading have a '+' or a '-' in their names?"  "No," I say, "they don't.  I know that that's not allowed.  In fact, one of the scans originally had dashes in the name, but I deliberately renamed it before the uploading."  That was foolish of me to volunteer all that information.  Because now he goes, "That doesn't matter, the system still knows that the dash was there."

Really, dude?  I ask, "Are you telling me that this FSA processing site is capable of recognizing in MY computer that a file USED TO have dashes in its name?"  He confirms, "Yes, that's correct."  "Not the size of all the attachments, but the expunged name?  Are you sure?"  He confirms again.  Okay, humor me: "So, how can I remedy this?"  "Log out, shut down your computer, reboot, and then you should be able to upload your receipts," he advises.                     

Bill Cosby is definitely on my mind today, because it was him who said "as ridiculous as some things may sound, there come desperate times when you are ready to try anything."  My rational mind did not believe for a single second that it would work, but it was a proposition of a quick fix and time is of the essence.  So, after I'd hung up, I followed his suggestion.

Of course, it didn't work!  What did you think?  The guy pulled that tech recommendation out of his ass!  Didn't even offer to stay on the line with me to see if it was going to work!  Who does that?  I'll tell you who: unqualified, unprofessional, poorly trained, half-asleep, semi-retarded bitches that pervade our lives.

The right thing to do at this point would be to delete the original claims and file them in two batches instead of one.  Then call the tech support, find a supervisor (I noted Steve's full name)...   But my time is more important, so instead I downloaded the entered info into a claim form, put it together with the receipts, and did what we used to do "back in the day": faxed everything over.  You don't get a time-stamped system receipt that way, but it worked - I've got reimbursed in three days.

Meanwhile, the stupidity went unpunished.  Oh, well, we let go of things like that on daily basis.  What appalls me the most, though, is the audacity of this people!  You are called "Support," for crying out loud!  Someone in need calls you, you feed them some bullshit, hang up, and go on with your life?  And you get paid for it?  How do these people leave with themselves?  How do they go to sleep at night?  I have no clue.  I know I never worked like that. I simply couldn't.  But I bet it's much easier to be Steve.  I'm sure he never pushes his personal interests aside.  

Quote of the Week: A Business Owner's Reaction to a Typical Banker

From an actual email:

"Frankly, I left our meeting here on Monday with the conviction that you attended under duress but would otherwise rather have been doing pretty much anything else.  PNC is a month behind every other bank, and we used up considerable goodwill with these entities to secure you and Alberto a seat at the table.  No other bank has been treated so deferentially, which PNC earned by being our lender in the past three years.  However, watching you play with your phone in your lap during our meeting and appearing otherwise bored suggested to me that there was a huge disconnect between what we have been attempting to do for PNC and how it is being perceived."

                                                                                                    Business Owner

CFO Folklore: Don't Let the Boss Argue Your Case for You

In a small business with a flat organizational structure, where every exec performs 10-15 jobs, there is always a possibility of timeline conflicts.  It's like cooking ten dishes on a four-ring range: eventually you run into a point when the same burner is needed for two pots.  Which one to put on?  There is really no such a thing as a right decision at times like that - you must simply follow your instincts.

Let's say your are in the final stages of negotiating a Credit Agreement renewal with your main institutional lender.  It's Thursday, 03/13.  You have scheduled a meeting with the bankers, their attorneys, and your own esteemed corporate lawyers for tomorrow afternoon to press on with a few remaining crucial changes before the deal is released for the approval by the bank's Credit Committee on Monday, 03/17. 

At 5 pm your phone rings:  It's your tax attorney hesitantly letting you know that his team must meet with you urgently tomorrow, because they just figured out that the company may have tax exposures in Illinois and Wisconsin; the extensions are due on Monday, 03/17 (somewhat hysterically); and, he is very sorry to tell you, but he is not quite sure about this and that's why they need to seat down and read you into the details of the Code, so that you can express your opinion, because nobody understands the business better than you do.  No, it cannot be in the morning, because it's tax season and everybody's schedule is full as is; only the afternoon is workable for everyone who needs to be there (except you, of course, but who cares).

By the time you hung up, it's too late to reschedule the bank - most bankers leave at 5 pm, just like the government.  Now, you've got a dilemma.  Bank or taxes?  Of course, you can tell the tax lawyers to suck it up and do their well-compensated jobs without getting you involved.  Yet, you cannot - that's not how you do.  But the bank is incredibly important: the last stages of negotiations are the hardest, because nobody wants to give up the last frontiers.  On the other hand, you are literally the only person in the company who can express taxation opinions.  At least the owner has been in a tandem with you on the contest of wills with the bank.  However, he is easily mauled by financial predators if he is left on his own.                  

But what are you going to do?  It's the balancing act - you have to optimize.  You cannot be in two places at the same time.  So you decide that the tax meeting is the one you must attend and send your boss to the other one alone.  And, of course, you prep him on Friday morning.  You go over all important points of the agenda with him and outline your position on every issue (in writing, for better retention).  Then you silently pray to Hermes/Mercury, the patron god of all CFOs, and go on to your appointment.

You don't disturb him during the weekend, but as soon as he shows up at work on Monday (around 1 pm) you pull him into your office.  "Well, tell me," you inquire.  He beams at you: "Oh, it went very well.  They practically accepted all the conditions on the list you gave me.  You should have the amended Term Sheet by tomorrow morning."  You are cautious: "Practically?"  And he clarifies, "There is one item.  They said they couldn't do anything about migrating from weekly reporting to monthly.  But I figured that was okay, right?  Just this one thing?  And what?  It's like a nine-line report, or something?  Probably a few buttons on your system, right?"         

Well, it's actually a 52-line statement with 5 supplemental schedules. It takes two of your staff accountants several hours to update all raw data and 2.5 hours of your valuable time every Friday to compile the reports. This was one of the top 10 most important items you've introduced into the negotiations right from the start.  Of all items that's what he decided to let go?  And what is it with bosses?  Why do they always assume that everything you do is effortless - fast and easy?  Just because you are toiling away without making any fuss?! 

You feel like Zorg from The Fifth Element.  "I am very disappointed!!!" growls Gary Oldman inside you.  If you want something done correctly, you'd better do it yourself!  Unfortunately, you don't have his powerful ZF-1 under your desk.  So, instead of simultaneously throwing flames and blasting freeze-rays, you grab your phone like a weapon and calmly explain, "These weekly reports end up costing you a lot of salaried hours that can be used more productively otherwise.  So, let me call and talk to them about it again."      

CFO Folklore: A Male Applicant with a Banker's Resume? No, Thank You.

Sometimes when you open a certain topic, it becomes hard to move on to the next one.  So, again about bankers and genders...

When we hear the word "discrimination," the first thought that comes to our mind is "unfair."  Indeed, in it's most common definition of the last 150 years, discrimination is understood to be an unfairly different treatment of a specific group of people.  We think: race, ethnicity, gender, social class, origin, sexual orientation, wealth, etc.  This is the type of discrimination that I just fucking hate.  And I am not saying this to be politically correct: I truly am a serious opponent of an inequality based on anything other than talent and merit (please keep this in mind as you read on).

People forget, though, that the word "discrimination" has a much older meaning and can be defined generally as a "recognition and understanding of the difference between one thing and another;" frequently even more specific: "the ability to discern what is of high quality."  Truth be told, under this definition I have discriminating tastes - in many things, but especially when it comes to judgments of people.  Particularly, when I have to act as a hiring manager.  

I discriminate against dullness, stupidity, and narrow-mindedness.  I've mentioned it many times in this blog's posts and I spelled it out in the Human Resources section of CFO Techniques: what I really look for in the eyes of a job applicant is a sparkle of intelligence. 

Because of that, I find myself discriminating against a very specific group of people, namely men with a banking background.  I try to refrain from generalizing - it could be my own unfortunate experience with this occupation, but, from my point of view, it is largely populated by male bankers who are limited, slow, and intellectually lazy.

Nowadays, the term "banking" signifies so many different things - every major institution dabbles in several "satellite" industries: investment banking, all sorts of trading brokerage, insurance, etc., etc.  So, to avoid the confusion let me clarify that I'm talking about the plain old conventional bankers, whose job is to keep the excess of your funds in their "vaults" and to sell you money when your needs exceed your availability.  These are your commercial loan officers, relationship managers (RMs), business development VPs.

And, of course, these are primarily men, who are not motivated to rise above their genotype.  Why should they?  They've got the upper hand by default. Women must claw themselves into the tight boy's club.  If they succeed in doing so, they are not only eager to do a good job, they also move to the more sophisticated areas and specialties: treasury management, foreign exchange, trade finance operations, investment banking, etc.

Back in the day I used to blame the inertia of male bankers on liquid lunches: 20-25 years ago they literally worked from 9 am to 12 pm in the office.  Then they would go out for lunches, with clients or with each other, order martinis, and from that moment on the drinking wouldn't stop until evening.  Being intoxicated obviously doesn't make anybody more alert, expedient, or add urgency to one's attitude.  But this banking trait was squashed long time ago - the liquid lunches went away, yet the quality of work remained the same.  Maybe they stopped drinking on the job, but the productive hours remained the same - and it's just so much you can do between 9 and 12.  But are they awake even during those three hours?  

I went with one of my clients (a wiry, fast-talking businessman, who still wins sprinting competitions in his age category) to a meeting with his RM from PNC Bank.  I swear to God, this banker exceeded even my expectations: he epitomized the idea of an "empty space" and he seemed to be half-asleep.  I got a distinct impression that whatever we were saying to him literally entered his left ear and immediately flew out of the right one.  After the meeting I tried to warn my client - I said, "Your Credit Agreement just started.  Before it's too late, please try to ask for the RM's replacement.  You will not be able to work with this guy.  You are going to hate him."  He didn't think that he needed to bother with such "trifle things."  Now, two years later, at least once a week I hear, "Oh, my God!  I cannot stand that guy!  I cannot deal with him - it's like he is in a coma." 

Coma!  That's even worth than half or fully asleep!  Yet, it is true.  I always complain about the lack of urgency in the majority of workforce everywhere, but for this group of institutional employees it's an epidemic.  Here is something from an email exchange between my other client and his RM (with copy to me):  "We initiated this matter with you last summer, almost 6 month ago, and it is mind boggling to me that you could write today that you 'are still in process of writing up the formal approval.'  Ironically, the only related matter for which the bank had no hesitation to proceed post-haste was to deduct legal fees that appear unjustifiable from our account."  Do you sense the level of frustration? 

But lethargy is not even the worst of their traits.  Sometimes I wonder if these people are specifically picked to be so, for the lack of a better word, unimaginative.  I was talking to this one banker recently about his client, explaining how important it is for the company, which deals in bulk liquids, to lease tanks near Georgian ports: when a shipment arrives a hose can be hooked directly from the tank to the vessel and the product can be pumped out at a minimal cost.  A couple of days later he writes to me: "I remember you said they had a tank in Atlanta..."  Atlanta?  I laughed out loud.  It's fucking 250 miles inland!  Some hose would that be!  On the other hand, he is a banker in NYC - Atlanta is probably the only city in Georgia he remembers from his geography classes.      

It couldn't possibly have always been like that.  In the old times conventional banking was entrepreneurial, risky, dangerous business.  A banker who took your money into his safe kept his gun in the holster under the jacket at all times and used his shrewdness and guts in determining whether you worth a loan or not.  And yes, he would hire a meek dude for the back to count money and keep books.  And that guy needed to be meek, so that he would be too afraid to steal.  But even that quiet mouse had to be nimble with his fingers to count money and he had to have quick reflexes to be able to duck for safety when the shooting ensued.      

That's it, isn't it?  It's the cancerous growth of the banking business into these giant monsters that we, corporate financial executives, are forced to deal with now.  They are too fucking big and they need to fill all the seats, so they hire entry levels straight out of colleges (out of specific colleges on their specific lists) as long as they meet the GPA and internships criteria.  And nobody is looking into their eyes: are there any sparks, or they are just good at memorizing textbooks for a hot second and taking tests?  After that it's a hit-or-miss game: the brightest go for stars and big money, but more routine tasks go to the dullest contingent.  And they do that for years: sitting in the same positions, performing the same limited tasks; without the necessity to develop new skills or mental abilities; slowly crawling up the long ladder according to their tenure, never reaching real intellectual heights before their retirements.

It seems, however, that some of the more entrepreneurial banks have finally started realizing that they are being drowned by the incapable, half-asleep, idiots, and they are trying to correct the situation.  As I said in my February 20th post, the number of women in the relationship management is increasing exponentially, and I just met two people who came into institutional finance from M&A.  Well, good for the banks then.  But if they don't want to hire (or keep) the industry-grown nincompoops, why should I? 

Executive Gender Equality: The Perversity of Admiration

Ever since this company made into a couple of 2013 national lists of the fastest growing entities, we have been accosted by a slew of various business services offering their assistance and support: insurance brokers, real estate brokers, HR management providers, marketing consultants, etc., and most notably for me - bankers. 

The troubles that befell the banking industry a few years back resulted in its consolidation.  The competition among the diminished number of the key players in the field of institutional finance has stiffened.  They are fighting for clients with proven records of steady profitability, growing equity, and assets with high market liquidity, which, of course, are not that easy to find in our "recovering" economy.  Hence, they are after our business.

All the better for us: We are approaching the expiration date of the credit agreement with our current lender and are looking for a relationship that would be a more suitable match to the fast-growing company.  So, I'm doing what I've done quite a few times throughout my career: I'm meeting with a lot of bankers - explaining the business, answering their drilling questions, providing them with extensive data, spinning the info in the most thrilling way. 

While all this is going on, I cannot help but notice the increased percentage of women in the banking mix.  Well, that shouldn't be surprising, actually: according to many statistical reviews, more than 50% of the corporate middle management in this country are presently females.  I hear from our own sales staff that purchase managers of our customers' (industrial sector, by the way) are predominately highly technical women in their 30s.

Of course, as we climb further up the ladder, the numbers diminish: men dominate upper management to the extend of 70-80%, and only 10% of the C-level executives are women.  Still, I used to be the only "skirt" in a room full of male execs and financiers.  Now, there is a female contingent on the opposite side of the table in 3 out of 4 meetings.  Hell, the founder/CEO of this company is a woman.  Hence, our board of directors is 50% female (her and I) - we are the tough side of the directorship.   

So, here I am in our conference room listening to two representatives from one of the 10 largest banks in the world, who are making a presentation of their proposal (aka a Term Sheet in business dealings).  One of them is a diminutive woman of Korean origin in her late 50s - she is the boss, the North-East Regional Director, a big gun brought on to get the deal closer to the finish line.  With her is one of her many subordinates - a young and ambitious man in his early 30s.  If I end up choosing this bank, I will get him as my Relationship Manager (RM).

The menagerie is balanced by a man at my side - COO/owner/our CEO's whity husband.  He has his full charm on: he cannot help it - he has a soft spot for Pacific-Asian women.  Now he admiringly "complements" the banker-lady for being deceptively tough, i.e. looking pretty and soft, while being steely behind her eyes.  I tense up: here goes seclusive male chauvinism, and you never know how a woman will react to it. 

She handles it beautifully, though:  "Well, you know how it is - brain and beauty combined are lethal."  She turns to me: "Right?"  Well, I wouldn't know - never got a chance to rely on no beauty, just my brain.  But I don't say that.  I just smile. 

I wish my COO would do the same, but he somehow takes it as an invitation for further "admiring."  "Yes, you are absolutely right.  I couldn't put it better myself," and he embarks on telling the bankers how his wife, our CEO, is especially successful in sales because she is a woman who can speak "sweetly on the phone."  He actually uses those words.  "It used to take me," he says, "four phone calls before Dow Chemical would call me back.  But she  sweetly leaves a voice mail and they return her call within 5 minutes!"

He is absolutely overjoyed with pride.  The Korean lady's mouth gets very thin and she looks at me again -we both know: this is how it is.  The men will always find the way to treat us as if we were inferior, whether through insults or with "compliments."

I am disgusted, but I'm willing to dismiss this on the principle "forgive them, for they know not what they do."  And right then he turns his head to me, looks straight into my eyes, and says, "You cannot repeat it outside of this room.  L. always gets very upset when I say this, even though I mean it as a good thing."

Seriously, dude?  You've been warned about it before?  By your wife, who is also your boss?  And what?  You cannot help yourself?  Of course, you cannot, because it's written into your genetic code, like a primal instinct.  And you are too insecure to consciously fight it off!  If it was me...  But she is not me, in many ways she is very different.  And that's why he'd financed this business for her.     

Boss Joke of the Month: Raises and Bonuses

Ah, January!  Traditionally, a month of raises and bonuses!  Or, at least it used to be.  You probably have read many an article and a blog post about the diminishing slew of companies still giving out performance bonuses and/or raises. 

I am not surprised - I am the one always going on and on about the illusional nature of the "economic recovery" tune so "earnestly" whistled by politicians and business media.  Companies, big and small, are struggling left and right.  In the absence of profits, merit is kicked off its, already pathetic, backseat all the way into the trunk: When a company experiences business losses you may need to work twice as hard as you did during more prosperous times, but it will not get you matching rewards.  In fact, big enterprises frequently present their employees with a more contemporary version of a performance reward: take a pay cut or a demotion for the sake of keeping your job.

But not the young company X! 

Company X had difficult 2011 and 2012, experiencing all sorts of growing pains and deformities, but 2013 was, if not a spectacular, but a pretty-pretty good year: the business outperformed its forecaststs both at the Gross and the Net Profit levels.  And so, in accordance with formal evaluations conducted at the end of the year, the Board of Directors decided that effort-based bonuses will be paid and raises will take effect as of January 2014.

Now, like many small and mid-size companies, X uses ADP as their payroll service provider.  So, in order to implement raises, an Administrator has to go into ADP's online system and change employees' pay rates.  X's CFO is very anal about being above suspicions: she has set up the payroll administrative functions in a way that allows her to change everybody's compensation items, except her own.  She left that prerogative to the owner/CEO.

Unfortunately that means getting the boss to do something outside of her comfort zone: Of course, she doesn't remember her login ID and password for the Payroll Administration portal.  Plus, any reminder of the compensation negotiations puts her in a vile mood.  Plus, a rate per pay periods, a special bonus batch...  It's all too much.  Never mind that she only needs to do that for ONE PERSON, her CFO! 

CFO is very aware, though.  She makes it as simple as possible, cutting the instructions for CEO into small pieces and chewing them into a pulp that can be fed through an IV.  She puts it in writing too, via email: 

"My base salary was $A per year.  You gave me a raise of Y%, which amounts to $B.  My new base salary, therefore, is $C per year ($A + $B).  Accordingly, please change my semi-monthly payroll rate from current $a ($A/24) to $c ($C/24).  Thank you."

In two hours our CFO receives CEO's response:

"Dear N,

Please double check your current pay and the number after raise.  Also, I will have to do it on Monday, because I need to leave now to pick up my son."

Really?!  CFO looks at the email and in her mind she imagines writing back something like: "Bitch, are you telling me that I don't know how much you underpay me?  Or that with an MS in Finance, MBA in Accounting, and a PhD in Economics I cannot do simple arithmetic?  And why the fuck I, of all people,  am supposed to wait for my fucking raise?  I just set you up with one, even though my daughter is waiting for me!  What the fuck?!"

But CFO is not writing anything: she knows only too well that CEO didn't mean malice - she is just that stupid, dense, and lazy.  It's insults CFO's intelligence to work for someone like that.  But what are you going do?  At least in this place they give out raises and bonuses. 

The Frustrated CFO Presents: The FedEx Man Cometh

A Treatment for a Feature Short Film:

The present.

Brightly lit business office suite.  The camera moves out of the reception area, along a large sign on the wall "ALISP International," and into the open-design space in the middle.  There are a lot of boxes of various types around - file storage, heavy-duty cardboard with foam padding, etc.   Some are sealed and others are half-packed.  Office workers of both genders and different ages are busily occupied: most of them are at their desks, either working on the computers or talking on the phones, while a few are transferring files and folders from desk drawers and cabinets into the boxes.  The company is obviously packing up. 

PAIGE, 30, an accounting manager with plain but soft facial features, gets up from her chair, takes a huge pile of checks she just printed and walks into a private office with an open door.  

Inside the office, the CFO, a middle-aged woman with an almost visible weight of responsibilities and problems on her shoulders, is at her desk.  She is a hardened veteran of the professional work-force; one of those bitches who are said to have bigger balls than their male peers.  A permanent scorn for humanity is set deeply around her mouth. 

It looks as if her right hand is glued to the mouse, moving and clicking the thing in a seemingly erratic pattern, which causes rows and columns of data on the computer screen appear, disappear, reproduce, and rearrange themselves.  There is a tower of empty boxes in one of the corners.  Clearly, she didn't have a chance to start packing.  The CFO doesn't stop her manipulations of cells even when Paige comes up to her desk.

The desk's surface is completely covered with documents and reports, yet appears to be in a sort of a neat order.  Failing to find an empty spot, the younger woman asks, "Is it okay if I put them on this contract?" The CFO is her mentor and Paige feels guilty for giving her something else to do, as if those checks were intended to pay her personal bills. 

The CFO stops torturing the mouse and looks up.  "Actually, it will be great if you do that, because right after I finish this bullshit for the bank and sign the damned checks I will have to read that damned contract to make sure that our esteemed attorneys didn't miss anything," she says without any irritation, just matter of factly.

"Those RingCentral, guys, did they finally got what you wanted them to do with the phone system in the new office?  I heard you spelling it out for them."

The CFO produces a funny sound - a combination of a sad sigh and a bristle of disgust:  "People rarely disappoint me - most of the time they are exactly what I expect them to be." 

In a gesture of a female camaraderie, Paige lightly rubs the CFO's shoulder and leaves the office.

The CFO goes back to her computer and continues manipulating the database at the same high speed.  Her phone rings.  She hits the speakerphone button without taking her eyes off the screen.

"Yes."

The reciptionist's voice singsongs out of the phone, "Gary from LinkNet for you."

"Okay." 

The CFO keeps working, while a man's voice comes on after a click, "Hi, M."

"Hi, Gary.  What's up?"

"We just checked the tracking information - the boxes are on a FedEx truck, out for delivery to your new address.  I'm a bit concerned about nobody's being there.  It's a bunch of pretty expensive stuff: uninterrupted power supply unit, firewall, network switch, backup..."

"Don't worry - I have a standing order with the building's management to keep all our packages in the mail room until we collect them.  And I will be there Monday morning."

"Okay, and the next day we will come to install and connect everything.  Just in case, we included your contact information on the label."

"That's cool.  Okay, bye."

"Bye."

Same day, early afternoon.

A FedEx truck is moving down Broadway in NYC's Financial District, rolling closer and closer towards the Bowling Green Bull; then turns left a few blocks before the statue.

The FedEx truck is parked at the entrance of a steel-and-glass 30-story office building.  The driver, a man in his early 30s in FedEx uniform, unloads several heavy packages onto his hand truck and rolls it through the building's service entrance.  

Inside the building's mail room a young man, late 20s, is behind the counter. He is wearing a standard navy blue jacket of the NYC Service Employees International Union.  He stares intently into a computer monitor, which emits barely audible, muffled moaning sounds.  He mutes it as soon as the driver walks through the door. 

"Wussup, man!  Cold outside?"

"How you doin? Too cold.  I got boxes here all going to same place...  Lemme see..."  Looking at the label of the box on the top, "Al...  Als... Ali... Al..."

While the driver is trying to figure out the name on the label, the guy behind the counter strikes a few keys on the computer keyboard.  Tenants' directory appears on the screen in front of him.  Within seconds he exclaims, "Aliyes!  Sixth floor, man!"  He sounds very satisfied with the fact that he managed to find the company before the driver could read the label.

As the FedEx driver rolls towards the freight elevator, the mail-room dude clicks the mouse and the very quiet moaning comes back on.  About five inches away from the guy's hand on the mouse, a sheet of paper is affixed to the surface with a tape strip.  The letterhead indicates:

"From the Desk of Joe Funk, Building Manager"  

The header below states in bold letters:

"NEW TENANTS" 

"ALISP - Floor 17: Keep packages in the mail room" is the first entry on the alphabetized list that follows.

Same day, late afternoon.

The CFO is at her desk.  With her glasses on, she is now reading "that damned contract," marking it with a pencil every once in a while.  The phone on the desk rings.  Again, she hits the speakerphone button without looking.

"Yes."

The receptionist's voice is hesitant - she is obviously unsure whether she is doing the right thing by passing this call to the CFO instead of fielding it away.

"There is a person on the phone...  He says that he is from a company...  Aliyes... and that he got your packages, ma'am."

The CFO takes off her reading glasses and looks at the phone as if it was a curious living thing.  You can hear amusement in her voice when she asks, "My personal packages?"

"Yes, it seems so.  He asked for you by name."

"Okay, put him through."

In a second, a man's voice comes through the speaker.

"M.?"

"Yes."

"My name is Bill.  My company is on the sixth floor here at XX Broad.  Are you, guys, in the same building?"

"We are and we aren't.  We are in the process of moving in - the 17th floor."

"For some reason your packages were delivered to us by FedEx, and my secretary signed for them.  She started opening them up without even looking at the labels.  All this equipment seems expensive."

"It is quite expensive.  Your company's name is Aliyes?  Well, the first three letters are the same - that's as far as an average attention span can go nowadays."

They both laugh.

The man says, "It's a good thing that your name and number were on the label."

"I have to thank my IT Administration service for that."

"Look, we already sealed the boxes back - as good as new.  Why don't you call John, the building manager, and ask him to open your office for us.  I will have my guys bring it inside and I will personally supervise that nothing gets screwed up again."

The CFO's face changes and her voice is very earnest, when she says, "That would be great!  Thank you so much.  I am so grateful."

Indeed, she is grateful - she got lucky that someone with the common sense cut this chain of events short.  The whole thing could've turned out so much worse.   

Tech-Savvy CFO vs. Technologically Inept Owners: A Boardroom Chronicle

Premise:  

Based on true facts, this present-day farce unfolded right after the company at the center of the story signed a new office lease.  The entity's CEO, an infamous procrastinator and a successful decision-dodger, has delayed the execution of the document to the point when only 60 days remained before the moving-in day.

Up until now, the fairly young business always occupied a full-service furnished office suite, where everything from pen holders to receptionists is supplied by the landlord, including all telecommunications and IT administration.  However, by this point the successful business outgrew the little rooms and the shared common space of the suites - it was time for the company to obtain its own residence.

As all logical people know, lease signing is only the beginning of a relocation process.  A lot of work needs to be done before a company can feel at home and be fully operational in its new place of business.  And nowadays, the IT infrastructure becomes a prerequisite to everything else.

This flat-structured small business has a misfortune of having a board of directors that consists of three technologically clueless owners (the type who cannot connect a printer to a PC) and a CFO.  The latter has been combining her financial and accounting responsibilities with those of a CTO throughout her entire career.  Needless to say, she understands what needs to be done, knows how to go about it (nobody else does in this company), and is more than qualified to make all necessary decisions.  Yet, the Board has a rule: anything that involves spending money must be approved by all four members.

So, here is the chronology of making a single decision under the described circumstances:

Motion 1 - 60 days till D-Day.  Upon receiving the fully executed lease from the lawyers, the CFO writes an eMemo to the owners requesting a Board meeting in order to develop an action plan that would ensure successful and painless relocation.  The plan should assign responsible parties and establish deadlines for each task.

The owners don't acknowledge that the issue was raised and two weeks pass in a complete silence regarding this matter.

(Side Note: All four executives are actually heavily involved in their day-to-day responsibilities.  They communicate extensively every day discussing various commercial concerns, while avoiding difficult extraordinary topics.)

Motion 2 - 46 days till D-Day.  Recognizing that the owners have fallen into their typical pattern of pretending that the problem doesn't exist (this happens every time an issue lies outside of their comfort zone), the CFO makes another attempt to mobilize the Board to set up an action plan.  This time she speaks to each of them in person.  They all nod in agreement - "Tomorrow," they say.  The CFO squeezes a two-hour time slot into her crazy schedule.

Three days pass without anything happening. 

Motion 3 - 43 days till D-Day.  The CFO feels the time pressure - at the very least she must start working on IT components, regardless of the owners' ostrich behavior.  The business will be simply paralyzed without an adequate infrastructure.  She really has no room in her schedule for all research, comparison, and optimization of  various ISPs, telecoms, and IT administrators...  But who else is going to do it?  So, instead of pestering the owners again about the "action plan," she writes a very specific inquiry:  "Please confirm your agreement with my taking charge of the groundwork for obtaining the Internet service, telephony, and IT administration support."  Without waiting for replies, the CFO starts working on the subject of the highest priority, i.e. the Internet connection, by reviewing nine ISPs whose services are available in the new building.    

Motion 4 - 41 days till D-Day.  At different hours, the CFO receives messages from the owners - all three are worded very similarly: "Thank you for asking and forward thinking.  Please go ahead with the projects." She can almost hear their sighs of relief - somebody else has made the decisions for them!!!  The CFO closes her eyes for a second and thinks, "The same shit every time.  I wish at least once I would let things run their course - just to see what would happen if I didn't worry about all of this, if I didn't jump in."

By carving little chunks of time in her schedule to deal with this shit, the CFO manages to come to her final ISP conclusion in 5 business days: to accommodate all of the  company's needs (including VoIP) she needs a reliable fiber-optics broadband.  She narrows down her choices to two ISPs - the award-winning Cogent with dedicated connectivity and Verizon's newest product FiOS Quantum ran through communal cables shared with all other users in the vicinity. 

Motion 5 - 36 days till D-Day.  She immediately gets quotes from both: Cogent values itself highly - $700/month with a three-year contract, plus $1,000 installation fees; Verizon's rate is only $129/month with a two-year contract.  Even with such a disparity in pricing, it's a simple choice as far as the CFO is concerned - she knows that Cogent will provide uber-fast, uninterrupted connection, and if something happens, she can be on the phone with an engineer within 30 seconds.  Verizon, on the other hand...  well, we all dealt with Verizon at one point or another.  Yet, for the owners all this technical staff is as difficult as Icelandic; the huge price difference, however, that's easy.   So, the CFO goes back to Cogent's salesperson and dangles FiOS Quantum at $129/month in front of his nose (virtually, of course).  He is taken aback - he had no clue that Verizon had started offering this brand new service in that building.  He cannot stop himself from uttering, "That's a compelling alternative."  The CFO doesn't dissuade him from this train of thought; she waits.  And he says that he would go to his director and try to get her a better deal.

Motion 6 - Same Day. Cogent wants the business - the salesperson reverts in two hours, dropping the price to $500/month with a three-year contract or $400/month with a four-year contract.  Both rates are exclusive of taxes and charges.  With this reduction in hand, the CFO immediately prepares a presentation for the Board, breaking down her selection process step-by-step and making a strong case for Cogent through detailed comparison and scoring of all providers.  She sends it out to the three owners and requests a board meeting to make the final decision.

Four days of silence passes.  The CFO understands: it's too fucking much for them, they don't want to deal with this, they are hiding.

Motion 7 - 32 days till D-Day. The CFO has no choice but to write to the owners again: "Let me remind you that installing the Internet connection must precede all other IT and telecommunication actions, including setting up the phone system, the computer network, etc. - basically everything that we need for the business's operations.  And it will not happen overnight!"  This gets CEO's attention.  She comes over to the CFO's office and says, "Let's decide by tomorrow the latest."

Two days passes.

Motion 8 - 30 days till D-Day.  One of the owners (already in possession of the previously distributed detailed presentation) sends an inquiry, "Can you make a comparison for me between Cogent and Verizon?" as if he just woke up to the issue. 

Motion 9 - Same Day.  The CFO prepares a simplified comparison chart intended for a 4-year-old audience.  Meanwhile, she tells Cogent that the decision is not settled yet and that she will appreciate if the provider gives up something else - like do away with the $1,000 installation fees and make rates flat, all-inclusive (taxes, charges, etc.)  The salesperson conferences in his Director and they yield.  The CFO simply cannot lose this deal: she goes around and collects the owners' consents in person. 

Motion 10 - 29 days till D-Day.  The CFO signs the contract with Cogent.

Curtains 

And this is just Act I.  Ahead, there are still decisions on a VoIP system, an IT Administration service, furniture, equipment...