The Frustrated CFO

Back-to-Work Jitters

No matter how eager unemployed people are to find a job and get back into wage-earning trenches, when the fortune smiles at them and after months (sometimes years) of looking they finally secure a position, they cannot avoid feeling nervous, anxious, and frequently depressed. The same unpleasantly uneasy state of mind comes over people who return to the full-time employment or undertake a long-term engagement after the semi-freedom of short-project consulting. Even if you went on hiatus to write a book and put your entire life on hold to do so, now that it's over, you fear of returning to the regular job.

Moreover, much smaller gaps in working schedule have exactly the same effect on us. It's difficult to come back from vacations and even weekends. It is an established fact that the number of heart attacks peaks on Mondays in comparison to other days of the week. And it has nothing to do with Monday per se - if we moved the beginning of the week to Wednesday, the statistic would shift as well.

This is true not only for the hired schmucks like us, subordinate to their bosses' rule. One of my former multi-millionaire owners/CEOs confessed to me that he passionately hated Sunday nights (me too!), because Monday mornings loom over them. There was nobody over him. He had an attitude of a royalty, did what he wanted, and his scope of responsibilities was considerably smaller than mine. Who would've thought that he felt about the end of the weekend exactly the way I did. I am sure all my readers who worked in private companies have owners who take long weekends and hide in their vacation houses for the entire summers. Why do they avoid being in the office?

What does it say about our relationship with the activity that we let to occupy the largest chunk of our lives? Do we experience these sensations because we resent our jobs and are unhappy with our existence? Does it happen only with those who made sensible choices in their lives in order to support themselves and their families? I know it's not possible for the majority of people, but would we be more relaxed if we pursued our dreams?

Apparently not. All real writers are terrified of the empty page. Stanley Kubrick, of course, pushed the issue to its scariest interpretation by showing in "The Shining" how the fear of the typewriter with a clean sheet of paper in it can turn a writer into a psychopath. Famous movie directors, including Ingmar Bergman, Michelangelo Antonioni, Woody Allen, and Martin Scorcese, consider being on the set a pure torture. Pro-athletes are ridden with OCDs (endlessly bouncing the tennis balls, or tagging their jerseys in a particular way, or counting the number of times they knock on their locker) and many of them puke their guts out before every game or match. Speaking of puking, after 48 years on stage and screen, Cher still vomits before every performance.

The list of examples is endless. I believe, it's not about the work itself or the workplace. I think our psyche, taught by the previous experiences, tries to protects itself from frustrations and stresses associated with every job. The anxiety and the nervousness are manifestations of the defensive instinct: "Don't go. There will be pain again. You will be judged unfairly. You will care too much for your own good."

I honestly think that the workaholics among us work through their weekends and vacations out of self-preservation. They know that if you slip up, stop for a second and relax, it becomes incredibly difficult to go back. The human beings are addicted to doing-nothing and avoiding pain, but resolve to stay on the occupational wagon in order to provide for themselves, realize their self-worth, or satisfy their urge for creative expression.

Quote of the Day (House M.D.)

Wilson to House:

" You don't like yourself, but you admire yourself.  That's all you got, so you cling to it.  Being miserable doesn't make you special, it just makes you miserable."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A CFO and a Zoloft Pusher (Tragicomedy)

FADE IN

INT MANHATTAN'S FINANCIAL DISTRICT - DR. PUSHER'S OFFICE - 1 P.M.

MS. CFO, about 50, dressed in Navy silk business suit, accessorized with Salvatore Ferragamo scarf, shoes and bag, walks in.

DR. PUSHER, about 60, looks up from her desk, peers from behind large bifocals.

DR. PUSHER

Hello.  Ms. CFO?

Ms. CFO quickly glances at the impressively looking framed credentials lining up the wall, including the Psychiatric Board's certificate.

MS. CFO

Dr. Pusher! How nice to finally meet you!

Ms. CFO automatically extends her hand towards Dr. Pusher, who looks confused, seems not to know what to do with the hand in front of her face.  Ms. CFO snaps out of her business-meeting mode and starts withdrawing her hand just as Dr. Pusher decides to grab it.  Awkward handshaking occurs.

DR. PUSHER

Please, sit down.

Ms. CFO sits down in front of the desk.

MS. CFO

How was your time off?

DR. PUSHER (looking at her monitor)

Oh, how do you know?

MS. CFO

I've been waiting for this appointment for three month.

DR. PUSHER (still looking at her monitor)

Mmm.  Ok...  Well...

Dr. Pusher looks straight at Ms. CFO

MS. CFO

My anxiety is out of control.  I have panic attacks that feel like heart attacks - my heart start pounding and my entire left side hurts   It even resulted in some atypical EKG's.  So, my physician and the cardiologist, they both suggested...

DR. PUSHER

What do you do?

MS. CFO

I am a Chief Financial Officer.

DR. PUSHER

Is it a stressful job?

MS. CFO (with a bitter smirk)

Just a tad...  I need to manage this anxiety.  I cannot afford to spend energy on battling with it.

DR. PUSHER

What about depression?  Do you ever feel sad, low?

MS.CFO

Who doesn't?  Look what's going on around us?  But I can deal with it.  I can summon my will power for that - I grip myself by the hair and make myself function, no matter what.  It's the anxiety - it makes me feel like I cannot breath, and I want to be able to tame that.

DR. PUSHER

Will power - shmill power...  Do you ever think of killing yourself?

MS. CFO (sounding slightly agitated)

Hey, if this world goes into the shitters...  If there are no jobs for people like me anymore, nor for over-educated young ones like my son and his friends, and the government cannot even cut social security checks to my parents, and the savings disappear into paying insurance premiums, so that we could see doctors like you...  Of course I would consider it.  There are worst things that can happen to a person than dying.

DR. PUSHER

Good, very good.

Ms. CFO looks astonished, seems to be lost for words.

DR. PUSHER (CONT'D)

I am going to give you a prescription for Zoloft.

MS. CFO (shocked)

Zoloft?  Isn't it like a major antidepressant with a strong habit tendencies?  You are supposed to take it every day, and if you go off, you can experience terrible withdrawal symptoms?  Isn't its effect on panic disorder only secondary?  I don't really want to take something that heavy, and every day, and for... depression of all things!

DR. PUSHER

It's my favorite drug - I prescribe it to everyone.  And you are very talkative - maybe you should see a therapist, while taking Zoloft.  A therapist will help you to prioritize.

MS. CFO

I am famous for my prioritization skills.  What do you mean, "you prescribe it to everyone"?  What if it does not help with my anxiety, but I will be hooked and get sick if I stop using it?

DR. PUSHER

Oh, you should not stop.  I'd rather you being anxious than thinking about killing yourself all the time.  What's a little bit of heart pounding and left-side pain, ah?  Just take the prescription and I want to see you again in two weeks.  We may need to adjust the doze.  I have other patients waiting for their prescriptions.

Dr. Pusher hands Ms. CFO the prescription across the table.  Ms. CFO takes it, gets up and leaves the room, still holding the piece of paper in her hand.

INT RECEPTION AREA IN THE MEDICAL OFFICE - 1:15 P.M.

Ms. CFO determinedly walks towards the elevators.  As she reaches them and presses the button "Down,"

RECEPTIONIST (off site in a slightly raised voice, so that she can be heard)

Do you need an appointment for the next time?

MS. CFO (without turning her head, almost to herself)

No, I fucking don't.

She tears up the piece of rectangular paper and drops it into the garbage can between the elevator doors.

FADE OUT

Author's Note:  This little sketch is based on a true story related to me by one of my friends.

Tragicomedy - a work containing elements of both comedy and tragedy, or as I always say, "It would be funny, if it wasn't so sad."

Vincent Van Gogh, At Eternity's Gate, 1890

The Frustrated CFO Takes Lessons from Robert McKee

Human beings are like sponges - the second we are born we start acquiring general knowledge of things from everything around us.  It is a natural process. 

When it comes to intellectual knowledge, however, we tend to make our own choices.  Some people read Pynchon, others prefer Sports Illustrated.  Some go to see Black Swan, while others would never miss a new Transformers installment. 

It gets even more selective for specialized knowledge -  higher education, professional publications, technical books, etc.  Even with the subjects of human psychology, relationships, our understanding of the world around us (all frequently featured in The Frustrated CFO's posts), people are more likely to go for books written by "specialists." 

But the truth is that the nature of human interactions and the principles of emotional response to life do not change from industry to industry and from trade to trade. They are universal and I have learned long time ago that the knowledge of things pertaining to human experience can come to us from anywhere.  There is a reason I frequently present my topics by referring to books, TV programs and movies - the best examples of these art forms pursue the truth of life; that is why we can relate.

Those who have seen Spike Jonze/Charlie Kaufman's "Adaptation" may remember the screenwriting guru character played by Brian Cox.  Well, he is a real person - one of the best theoretician's of creative writing in the world Robert McKee.  After several decades of writing for theater and television, Mr. McKee found his true calling in formulating a set of fundamental principles for compelling storytelling, which became the framework of his world-touring STORY seminar.   He also compiled them into a bestselling book by the same name.

I happened to know a young screenwriter who attended McKee's seminar twice and described it as a life-changing experience - not just as a writer, but as a human being.  You see, Robert McKee teaches how movies should be written so that they penetrate straight into the audience's soul.  So, inevitably he touches on the subjects that reach far beyond cinematic matters.  That, together with the fact that his films recommendation list pretty much matches my own roster of favorites, persuaded me to buy his STORY book.

What can I tell you?  This is a very brilliant man.  Anyone who loves movies should read this book...  And everyone who considers himself a student of human nature should read this book.  It is impossible to convey all the wisdom Robert McKee generously shares, but his study of "the principle of antagonism" is particularly invaluable.  

He goes beyond the conventional knowledge that antagonistic conflicts are at the basis of existence (and a story, of course).  He concludes that there are three primary antagonistic forces for any positive value, progressing from contrary to contradictory to "the Negation of the Negation," which, unlike in math where two negatives make a positive, is "a force of antagonism that's doubly negative."  

He further constructs illustrative charts for such values as love, truth, consciousness, wealth, communication, success, bravery, loyalty,  justice, wisdom, and freedom.  I find the last three absolutely universal and applicable to many conflicts we encounter both in our professional and personal lives.  They are reproduced below.  It's mesmerizing: you look at them and it's like a reel of your life's events, fitting perfectly into these diagrams, unspools in front of your eyes.

Job Search: Unemployment & Depression

At the end of February, The Ladders featured Debra Donston-Miller's article Depression is Making Unemployment Longer, which reiterated the well-known fact that unemployment walks hand in hand with depression and anxiety, and that, in turn, diminishes your ability to get employed. 

It's a vicious circle, you know.   A person looses his job - that's on its own is a hard blow to his ego.  Nevertheless, he gets right on all job boards - Monster, CareerBuilder, etc.  - posts his resume and applies to every single opening that matches his qualifications.  As time goes by, he keeps lowering his expectations - now applications go out to jobs with smaller titles and lower salaries.  Still, the response is not too hot.  

Nowadays, the statistical probability of converting applications into a recruiter's or hiring manager's interest is around 2% for high-level financial professionals - CFOs, Controllers, Financial Directors, etc.  The national numbers of people not being able to find employment in one, sometimes two, and more years are scary. 

While you are waiting for the sparks in the dark, your spirits get lower and lower.  You become listless, loose interest in everything - depression really kicks in.  The anxiety of not being able to support yourself when the savings and unemployment compensation run out gets overwhelming.  You swing between over-hype of appraising your possession for possible liquidation and inability to move a muscle.

Still, you force yourself to apply every day, you do your networking, ask people around.  Finally, quantity turns into quality: you've sent out 100 resumes and someone finally called you.   You've had a positive response after the phone interview and now you are going for a face-to-face appointment.  Anxiety floods you - the workspace environment, which you have not experienced for several months, seems so alien to you. 

You are prepared, though - you are a seasoned executive with superior qualifications, a likable person, well-spoken, know how to handle yourself.  The interview seems to go well, but there are so many candidates, and you might have said something wrong just because the depression and anxiety ate some of your confidence away.  Every day you wait for a call back, but nobody ever does; nobody even sends an email to let you know that you did not qualify - people don't do those sort of polite things anymore.

Now, you are loosing hope altogether: it is more and more difficult to make yourself even to look at the job listings.  It seems like staring at the television screen all day without seeing what's on is a better option...

You know what?  I am not going to tell you that it will get better.  I am not a fortune teller.  I don't know it, but neither do you.  Yes, it's fucking tough out there!  As I always say,  we live in a new economic reality.  The truth is that you may need to rethink your entire life.  But you cannot let the depression eating away your time.  FIGHT IT!  Do you know what happens with every single day you waste on giving in to nothingness? It disappears and you will never get it back. 

The Ladders' article quoted cognitive behavioral psychologist Deb Brown, who suggests creating a routine for yourself as one of the helpful tools.  My readers know how big I am on time-management and routines.  Whether you are fighting the unemployment depression or job frustration, scheduling your time and filling your day with meaningful tasks always helps.   And when you are unemployed, you have an opportunity to do things that you never had time for before: study Spanish with that Rosetta Stone pack you've got for your birthday two years ago; transfer all those home videos onto DVDs, get yourself fit.  

You don't really need more than two-three hours a day to look for new openings and apply.  Spend the rest of your free time (FREE TIME - when do we have it otherwise?) catching up on your life.  And don't be a prisoner of your schedule either - let go of it for a day, when you feel frustrated.

And listen, even if things with employment never get better and some drastic decisions will need to be made, at least you will not need to look back at the long stretch of a complete misery right before that.       

Woes of an Overwhelmed CFO

This quote has been attributed to different people, frequently (and erroneously) to even Andrew Jackson, but in fact it was John W. Raper who said,

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it." 

Oh, man, he sounds healthy!  What a laid-back guy!  No pressure gets to him?  Where do you get that kind of attitude?  I want some.

Because, in professional life of a frustrated CFO or Controller having lots to do and not doing it spells disaster, anxiety and depression, not fun.  As the matter of fact, "not doing it" is frequently a symptom of a psychological condition experienced by high achievers with multiple responsibilities. 

Have you been there, in that scary place?  There is so much to do, your subconsciousness tells you that there is no way all these things can be done by you.   Your entire being refuses to embark on all these tasks - you stop doing everything.  You are so overwhelmed you become paralyzed.  Everyday you tell yourself that tomorrow you will get on with it, and then you close your door and play solitaire all day.  In other words, you are on your way to a fully blown burnout.

And if you work in a small or mid-size company, no outside help is coming:  there are no Employee Assistance Programs or Stress Management Trainings.  Nobody will even notice that something is wrong.  You are on your own! 

But, wait a minute...  First of all, take a fucking Xanax and force yourself to use the moment of relaxation it gives you to not do anything at all, but think about your situation.  Do it NOW! 

Aren't you the self-reliant person who always handled your own problems and overcame all obstacles in front of you.  How did you get here in the first place?  How did you come to occupy this executive position?  Where is that person?  There must be some grains of him/her left in you.

Now, take your favorite yellow (or gray) notepad and write down all those tasks that terrify you so much - beats playing computer games.  This very long list is your basis.  Now start the next list. Title it "Delegate" and transfer here all those tasks you can delegate to your subordinates, or other departments.  Every time you list an item to delegate, cross it out on the main list. 

And don't tell me you cannot delegate anything - this is an emergency, you can and you must!  If you are a one-person show, this is the right time to talk to your boss(es) about hiring help.  Go to them with both lists - they might "surprise" you by saying they had no idea your were so overwhelmed.

The remainder of the base list needs to be further divided into four parts:  

1. Top priority (today and next three business days)
   
2. Short-term plan (next two weeks)
3. Long-term plan (next six to eight weeks)
4. Tentative plan aka the back burner (next 4 months, or so).

The only list you are going to look at now is that much shorter Top Priority list.  Calculate how many tasks you have there - let's say 8.  If you work like me, your working day is at least 10 hours.  The 4 business days allotted to this list is 40 hours.  This means you have 5 hours for each task.  That's it - start working on the first one.    

Still cannot do it?  Then you are in need of serious help - find yourself a good doctor.

You can find more advice in this post Time Organization as Anti-Frustration Tool.

Writing Angry Letters Is Therapeutic, Sending Them Out Is Foolish

I remember reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People when I was about sixteen years old.  Early in the book, he talks about dangers of criticism and gives examples of written but unsent letters: by Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Mark Twain.  It made a great impression on me.  I cannot avoid being critical entirely - the tongue is difficult to control.  However, I made a rule of letting stinging letters to stew for 2 days.  Then I re-read them.  If I still think it necessary, I send the letter.  90% of the time it doesn't get sent.

This is a recurring topic for management training gurus, self-help writers and bloggers.  They say,"Write an angry letter, if it makes you feel better, just don't send it." Unfortunately, no matter how many times people hear that advice, they write and send flaring mail, causing commercial and social damage.  If the problem was not persistent, there wouldn't be any demand for products I have described in the Cautionary Tale About Artificial Intelligence Progress.

As CFOs and Controllers, we deal with a lot of irking and ireful people.  With my firm believe in therapeutic qualities of writing, I always advise to let the paper or the monitor to bear your negative emotions.  As supervisors we also have to manage the anger of our subordinates.  How do we prevent hostile writing from going out?

In the times of hand-written letters, it took longer to complete them.  Plus, you had to stuff, seal, stamp and post the envelope.  By the time you were done, you might have changed your mind about the whole thing.   Dictating a letter worked even better.  Saying the angry words out loud had a potential of making you sound ridiculous even to yourself,  leave alone those girls in the typing pools.

Emails made us more vulnerable to our impulsiveness.  In the beginning, at least the ISPs were slow enough for you to recall the unwanted message.  Nowadays, soft keyboard, easy mouse, and fast internet create a volatile combination.

Here are few preventive measures I can recommend:

1.  Always leave "To", "Cc" and "Bcc" fields of the email header blank until you are absolutely positive you need to send it.

2. Re-read your letter at least three times right away and then yet another time later.

3. I have previously described my habit of putting stick-ons, stating "Please re-read all your emails before sending them out," on the sides of employees' monitors.  If you know that you suffer from the short writing fuse, then stick one on your own monitor as well.

4.  Whether for my electronic or conventional mail, the 2 days stewing rule works very well.  You should try it too.

5.  The Frustrated CFO actually offers a healthy alternative allowing you to go a step further than just writing your message.  Sharing your stories here lets you spill your frustration onto the virtual page and actually send it.  Not to the object of your anger, but to me - an understanding and compassionate reader.    

"The King's Speech" Illustrates The Frustrated CFO's (and Mark Twain's) Point

Those who have been reading this blog since its start, hopefully remember this early post about my personal tools of frustration release.  The first method on the list advised to go into an isolated place and let your frustration out with the worst curses you know.

More recently, I posted this Quote from Mark Twain,  emphasizing the same notion.  The great writer, who found humor even in the rumors about his death, also found solace in profanity.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, everyone recognizes the power of cursing.   We use it far more frequently as an expression of physical pain, anguish, anger, and frustration, than as a deriding instrument.  People curse at themselves, at their lives' circumstances, at the damned table corner always in the way.  Most of the time they do it when they are completely alone and nobody can hear them.  They do it because it is an intuitive tension-release mechanism.

Case in point - Oscar-nominated The King's Speech, based on a true story.  Prince Albert (always fantastic Colin Firth), had a speech impediment caused by multiple childhood psychological traumas.  Because of his position, the future King George VI was in the public view and, through the popularization of the radio, in the public ear - stammering and all.  It made him an object of ridicule even before the abdication of his older brother David pushed him into the throne of British Empire.  

For many years he sought help of different doctors and linguistic practitioners.  Finally, he meets Lionel Logue (even more fantastic Geoffrey Rush).  This unorthodox, way-ahead-of-his-time speech therapist worked with post-traumatic WWI veterans and understood that acquired defects are psychological in their roots and have to do with fear and tension. 

Mr. Logue takes on the Royal patient.   His methods are designed to remove the stress that causes his charge to stumble over the words.  He has a lot of tricks up his sleeve: breathing, exercising, singing and, of course, cursing are all used as means of frustration release.  The movie wonderfully shows how the speech center in His Majesty's brain has much easier time dealing with difficult sentences after the fear rides out on those few "dirty" words.   Thus, it illustrates my point that if you find yourself chocking with anxiety, profanity helps.

Sadly and ridiculously those few oaths caused the movie to be rated R.   I mean, 13-year-olds, can hear more curse words on their way to school.  Now, the entertainment media talks about the Weinstein brothers deciding to cut those therapeutic outbursts out in order to "re-introduce" The Kings Speech with PG-13 rating.  I have no clue why they want to do that.  The movie has already grossed nearly 900% of its budget.  Some people say that it will not take anything away from the story, but I strongly disagree.  It is an integral part of keeping yourself functional in this stressful life - for a king, a writer, or a CFO.

The Frustrated CFO Takes Lessons from Karl Pilkington

Karl Pilkington of Ricky Gervais Show and An Idiot Abroad has nothing to do with CFOs and Controllers.  Nevertheless, his unconventional wisdom, profound understanding of how bizarre life is, and unwavering ability to stay calm, deserve recognition in this blog.  After all,  the majority of issues we discuss are related to coping with the overwhelming strangeness of our professional existence, and human behavior.   Moreover, we look for the ways to get rid of our anxiety and frustration, and Karl has a good grip on his emotions and an admirable attitude towards life.  Watch the video at the the end of this post and you will see what I am talking about.

It is difficult for over-educated and jaded people like us, who spent their lives doing what was expected, to take lessons from someone who accepts life as it comes and is not afraid to voice his unusual opinions.  Karl Pilkington possesses the truthful innocence that we either never had or lost in the early stages of our childhood through severe parental and educational brainwashing.  Nevertheless, considering how frustrated most of us are with our lives, we should definitely try.  So, here are five lessons The Frustrated CFO draws from Karl Pilkington's wisdom.  None of them are profound breakthroughs and you probably knew them to be true already.  It's just that we frequently forget these truths, while Karl lives by them.

1.  If you keep your cool and don't refuel attackers, they stop pretty quickly.  We see Ricky laughing at Karl's every sentence, calling him names, etc.  Karl just sits there with Zen calm, not even smiling, or saying anything back.  The attack dies very quickly.

2.  If you don't retaliate people's insults, you automatically get yourself on the sympathetic side of the argument.  Ricky calls Karl an idiot, an empty-headed buffoon, etc.   We never hear a single crass word back.  So, what happens?  People say that Ricky is "soooo mean"  and everyone loves Karl.

3.  If you criticize a group of people instead of attacking a particular individual representing that group, it will have a much better effect.  When you address faults of one person they get offended and stop listening.  When you speak about shortcomings in general terms, people think its not about them, but subconsciously may recognize their own traits.  Karl never says "my doctor," or refers to his local Chinese restaurant.  So, instead of attacking an employee whose lack of urgency drives you insane, or throwing accusations of oppression into someone's face, we should find a right moment to talk about laziness and bullying in general.

4.  You can speak your mind and cover up your harshest statements with innocent humor.  Of course, this one is hard - not everyone possesses a sense of humor, but I found for myself that a smile alone goes a long way when you make severe statements.

5.  This is the hardest lesson to learn.  If you manage to unclog your mind of politically correct, pre-programmed bullshit, you can unlock free-thinking abilities that you didn't suspect were inside your head. 

 

CFO Folklore: My Personal Mantra

In my earlier post Why Do I Work So Hard? I talked extensively about conscientious attitude towards my CFO responsibilities.  However, time and again I find myself worrying about matters, which are not really under my direct control: lazy marketing people, self-serving sales force, inept operations, and (again and again) bosses who constantly jeopardize their own business.

And it's not just me.  There are a lot of people in my network, who display the same level of care.  We frequently become each others' sounding boards when the angst gets too overwhelming.

So, here we are at lunch.  My friend JM ranting about VP of Ops fighting with his girlfriend on the phone for three hours, while the production manager was waiting for him.  I am sharing the pains of trying to catch the President to release a $1M wire transfer and his dodging me because "he had enough for the day."

And it's not like we don't have anything else to discuss.  Most of my business acquaintances are entertaining individuals.  JM, for example, has an incredible sense of humor.  I am a theater and foreign cinema fanatic.  Somehow, my banking relations are all classical music buffs.  We all read Jonathan Franzen and Michael Cunningham.

And yet, we talk about problems at work every chance we get.  Most people, when they stop for a second and think about it, get very angry and frustrated with themselves.  Frequently at the end of these conversations I hear, " I don't own this business.  It is not my fuck up.  Am I supposed to butt in on other people's responsibilities? Why do I even care?"

Me? I don't get frustrated about my caring so much.  And I tell my concerned peers that they shouldn't get upset with themselves either.  You see, years ago I figured out that the conscientious working attitude, the ambition to succeed, the striving for merit-based rewards and the care for the entire business - they all go together.  They are inseparable qualities and indifference doesn't fit into the picture.  If this is who you are, you will always care.  

Moreover, in small business environment, this very combination of qualities is what brought you to where you are.  This is what separates you from others.  This is what got you into the CFO or Controller chair with the correspondent salary and perks attached, which, in their turn, define your living standards. 

So, I've created myself a mantra: I CAN'T SURVIVE ON "I DON'T CARE."  

There is a compensation threshold, which, when crossed, brings you into the stage of your professional life, where hardworking people care about the well-being of their employers.  I'd say right now it's somewhere around $70K a year.   At $200K a year, you either care a whole lot, or you are a fraud, or you are working for a big-size mastodon.  So, ask yourself, "Can I survive on a $70K salary?"  And if you can, go for it - not caring is a bliss.