As CFOs and controllers, we are constantly exposed to a variety of legal documents: security and financing agreements, leases, employment contracts, NDAs, new ventures formation, demand letters, term sheets, etc., etc. And even though most of the financial professionals I know, including myself, are well-versed in these matters and can write a decent legal document themselves (hey, you cannot even get an MBA without taking Contractual Law), or at the very least can fully understand them, we are forced to deal with attorneys: a CEO feels more comfortable if he gets a bill.
Hello! This is business law. We are not talking about defending anybody in court on murder or ponzi scheme charges, or suing somebody for fraud! So, here is what usually happens.
Scenario 1: I compose a document or construct an agreement outline addressing all necessary points, and send it to the corporate attorney. He comes back with either, "This looks good," or he takes my points and, without changing anything, puts it into the format that he didn't even create himself - nowadays they all download templates from Blumberg's Law Products, which anyone can do. A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.
Scenario 2: We receive a contract (let's say a Credit Line Agreement), I read it, make a long list of all the points that I believe need to be further negotiated with the bank, and send the contract with my list to the corporate attorney. He comes back with, "I agree. Let me know when it's ready for my final approval." A couple of weeks later I get a $2,000 bill.
Ahhhhhh!
Of course, there are special occasions when the intricacy of legalese needs to be explored and attorneys must be involved. But, why the hell it's so intricate, anyway? Doesn't it seem like a conspiracy to justify $450+/hour rates? In organizational management we are always taught that some employees deliberately confuse their records to make themselves indispensable: nobody else can figure out what's going on. Sounds familiar?
And the arrogance! I can only think of one other profession that can compete with lawyers on the level of insolence - doctors. They have no respect for anyone expect themselves. Well, I am willing to forgive a cardiologist who has a courage to hold a human heart in his hands, or a neurosurgeon who may need to drill into my brain one day.
But these legal MoFos? The complex of knowledge I possess is far greater than that of any specialized attorney I know. I ask, for example, if there are grounds for fiduciary violation in a case, and he ($550/hour) responds, "I have to look it up." Yet, they dare to be condescending nevertheless! Just last week a lawyer sent me a retainer agreement and wrote in the cover note, "It's a bit formal, but I hope you will understand it." Are you fucking kidding me?! I have four academic degrees and 20 years of executive experience (and he knows), and my own retainer agreement for consulting services, which I wrote myself, has more substance than your copied bullshit.
The worst thing about them, though, is that fucking professional camaraderie. Try to talk to an attorney about a harm caused to you by another lawyer. You think you are going to see fairness so wonderfully shown on "The Good Wife", or any other of those TV court dramas? Nope! They stop listening - THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT! That's why ABA had to create grievance committees and appoint people who are obligated to review the complains, because otherwise there wouldn't be anybody you could tell about lawyers' violations. Why do you think legal profession is not regulated by any government agency? Because the legislature consists mostly of legal professionals. They will never do anything against one another.
In "Philadelphia", just before dying, Tom Hanks (a gay attorney) tells Denzel Washington (another attorney who just won a discrimination case for him) an old joke: "What do you call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? A good start." They both like the joke. Denzel's character even repeats it to someone else right away. A very hopeful movie in many respects: the case is won, a formerly homophobic Mr. Washington's character finds in himself to defend a gay guy, AIDS-ridden Mr. Hank's character dies knowing he won, and his partner (played by Antonio Banderas) is somehow is not infected. And the lawyers like the joke!!! Very hopeful, very far from reality.