The Frustrated CFO

This Is What It Feels Like When the CFO Cries

When I was a little girl, a preteen, a teenager, my parents always teased me, "Why are you crying?  Feeling sorry for yourself?"  I could've been weeping about some really heart-breaking moment in my life or over a beautiful passage in a book - it didn't matter, their reaction was always the same.

Well, if that was their way of toughening me up, it worked.  But discouraging crying?  Nah, their badgering wasn't successful - I'm still a crier.  Blatant injustices, the disappearance of Earth's beauty, the unfairness of life; but also a goosebumpy music passage, a powerful piece of acting, an especially brilliant bit of storytelling, a rare instance of mesmerizing artistry - all are known to bring quick tears to my eyes.  

But all these occasions allow me to cry secretly - in a privacy of my home; in the darkness of a theater; sometimes in the middle of a crowded place, where nobody knows me (which is the same as being alone); or in front of a few people (can count them on one hand), who are so close to me, most of the time we cry about the same things.  To the rest of the world, however, I'm known as Marina of Steel, always composed and together.  In fact, most people think that I am a gruff bitch.  The mother-fuckers would probably have panic attacks if they saw me all snotty and whimpering - the way I get, when I fight with my daughter.

In my entire career there were only a few occasions, when, while in the office, I simply couldn't hold back tears - the ducts just acted on their own accord, the way they do when you get hit on the nose.  One time, during a meeting, my CEO threw some reports straight into one of my subordinate's face, and I couldn't do anything about it: couldn't protect the victim, couldn't say anything to the boss - just had to watch it happening.  I remember thinking, "God, if somebody else did that in front of me, I would've fucking slapped him.  But I have to pretend that I'm paralyzed, because I need my job!  It hurts!"  And the tears just rolled out involuntary.  

Nearly 20 years ago (God! I was still young then!), a different boss, always insecure about his origins and education, got angry with me, because he forgot to request some analysis he urgently needed, yet expected that I would telepathically infer his wishes.  I was already a Controller and have accomplished some pretty amazing stuff for the company (for which, truth be told, I was very well compensated).  So, I felt pretty secure to simply explain that he never asked for it.  To this he retorted: "You're probably lying that you were always a straight A student.  No doubt your mother bribed your teachers."  There were other people around too, listening...  The randomness and the absurdity of the insult hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was lost for words and my eyes just swelled with tears.  Nothing was to be done or said, of course - my family's well-being was much higher on my list of priorities than my self-esteem.

Just the other day, a business owner, who was my torturer-in-chief at that moment (he is the one who thinks himself a Good Boss), demanded some pretty serious piece of performance analytics to be delivered to him the next day, before his meeting with X.   Considering the available resources, this was impossible to accomplish.  So, I informed him accordingly.  And yes, I'm too fed up with all this bullshit now, so I let a bit of a sarcasm escape me: "How long have you known about this meeting anyway?" I asked him.  "Let me explained to you the idiocy (Miriam-Webster: extreme mental retardation) of this question," he replied and then embarked on a long-winded rant about...  Well, who cares?  And I wasn't listening anymore.  I wanted to laugh, but somehow sparse teardrops started falling down instead.  Thank God, I cried - at least it stopped his blabbering and he left the room.                    

Yeah, things like that...  So, it's true - I cry because I feel sorry for myself.  I'm sorry that my life is nothing what I hoped it would be.  I'm sorry that I don't have enough time to do things that I truly love.  I'm sorry that I always work harder than anybody else would in my place and the rewards never match my efforts.  I'm sorry that I always work for people who are not sophisticated enough to understand my value and appreciate my contribution.  I'm sorry that they always turn out to be insecure assholes.  I'm sorry that, even though I held them in my hands, I let all the means of my personal security slip away.  I'm sorry about so many of my choices that led me to where I am...    

...What is that you are saying?  A pity party? So what if it is?  Nobody else pities me - everyone thinks that I'm some fucking stone.   

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"We Are Good Bosses," Says One Boss to Another

So, that's how these people manage to live with their own shitty selves!  They walk around with a clear conscience; with no doubt in their souls about their actions.  They don't think about the injustices and the insults of different caliber they spread around with every step they take.  They don't even qualify them as injusticies and insults.  Instead, they pat each other on the backs and tell themselves that they are good bosses!  Their self-delusion probably goes even further: I am terrified to think about it, but they might have convinced themselves that they are good people.  Honestly, the idea of these people going through their lives thinking that they are saints makes my skin itch on the inside.  

To tell you the truth, I prefer honest assholes, like the ones whose primary traits are itemized in the list provided by the Time's article attached on the bottom of this post.  They are at least somewhat conscious of their attitudes and  justify their behavior with the "business necessity."  You know: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do - that sort of thing.  I also think that self-aware bastards are less casual with their cruelty.  Unless they are real sadists, they apply it knowingly and, therefore, sparingly.  

The conversation quoted in the title is not an allegory: I actually had the misfortune of witnessing it.  I had to summon all my will power not to burst out laughing at these jerks.  I've had pangs of suspicion that many business owners felt good about themselves, but this was the first time one of them actually voiced such self-deception in my presence.  Why was it so bitterly funny?  Because, the statement was prompted by their finally adapting a pension plan they promised their employees two years ago. 

These are employers who pick favorites and treat them with an obvious preference, while discriminating against others.  They forget to disclose new commercial initiatives, thus forcing everyone to run against time in order to turn their ideas into business realities.  They will not hesitate to make a "good-natured" joke at an employee's expense or brazenly comment on someone's deficiency.  The list can go on, and on, and on, and on...  What can I say?  Swell guys! 

But let's see.  What are (in my opinion) the attributes of a really Good Boss???

1.  Fairness and objectivity; no bullshit like, "I don't like that bitch's personality, so I don't care if she's going to leave, even if it'll hurt my company."

2.  Dedication to a merit-based system of rewards comprised of both tangible and moral incentives.

3.  Intelligence and business acumen that perpetuates the company's success and keeps employees gratified that they don't work for an incompetent idiot.

4.  High performance standards applied equally to everyone - first and foremost to his/her own work.

5.  Capacity to fully comprehend the abilities and  values of their direct reports.

6.  Sufficient organizational savvy to match subordinates' abilities with functional tasks.

7.  Acceptance of personal responsibility as a job-creator and human-resources leader.

8.  Strong emphasis on the development of employees' know-how and professional growth.

9.  Balanced combination of delegation and efficient supervision; none of that hands-off micromanagement crap I write so much about.

10.  An actual effort to understand people working for the company.

11.  Sufficient tact and self-confidence (!) to prevent casual personal insults, usually resulting from deeply seated insecurity.

12.  And this one is just for me: For once in my life I would like to work for someone with a good memory, because I'm fucking fed up with their forgetting time after time the stuff I say, write, and report to them.   

So, my dear business owners and other chiefs, try to test your performance against the criteria above and see how you do.  None of the "good bosses" I know would score enough for a "D" grade.

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That Elusive Sense of Self-Worth

The other day one young woman was telling me about her dinner with Mr. X.  The man was not in a good place: he was being down on himself, feeling gloomy, dissatisfied, depressed. 

I know a thing or two about Mr. X and even met him a few times.  By conventional standards, he is, to put it mildly, a very accomplished and impressive guy.  A self-made man, he has spent the last three decades propelling himself into a progressively narrower sector of the income-distribution pie.  Forgoing leisure, he devoted most of his waking hours to his work: hundreds of companies successfully bought, restructured, guided to success, sold - efforts resulting in considerable wealth shared by him and his partners.  Now, in his middle age, he is at the point, where the proverbial 1% seems to him like a large group of people with meager resources.  Not only that he warranted the best opportunities for the future generations of his offspring, but he has the luxury to be generous to other individuals, and very charitable to organizations of important cultural value.  

So, what could possibly make this strong, smart, and powerful person with a long list of achievements hate on himself?  The destruction of the planet?  The intellectual downfall of humanity?  Maybe he feels inadequate as a parent?  Those are universal equalizers that should make us all feel agitated.  Should, but not necessarily do.  As it turns out, it's his professional self-assessment: he feels that he could've done better for the partnership; that he didn't achieve his best results.  He gives his performance a moderate grade of B+.

How curious...  I constantly feel like a career failure as well.  Only my reasons are sort of the opposite of Mr. X's.  I know that I've given 110% to every job.  From a purely academic standpoint, my professional efforts deserve nothing less than an A+.  But, due to a huge entanglement of reasons, including my gender, I have never received matching rewards, was forced to accept comparatively inadequate compensation and insufficient recognition.   

On the other hand, maybe my marks are always A+ because my undertakings are a tad below my true capacity.  What if there were no obstacles and I would have opportunities to embark on  Herculean tasks - the business pursuits of much larger magnitude?  How would I do then?  Would I still be able to impress?  How would I feel about myself and my results?

Maybe the real reason we both feel so shitty about ourselves lies in the betrayal of our true destinies (or, at least, what we think they should've been).  As a student, Mr. X was deeply affected by the brilliance of Marcel Marceau and was a part of a street-performing innovative circus troupe.  And all I wanted to do since I was 15 years old was to write cultural critique - absorb, decipher, and opine on various art forms.  Instead, both of us made a choice of going the practical route: killed the dreams and embarked on money-making pursuits (different amounts, same principle) in order to support our families.  In his new book Missing Out, psychoanalyst Adam Phillips argues that we care about the lives we failed to live more than the ones we actually endure.  Adam Phillips, dude, I feel ya!

Then again, let's say both Mr. X and I did have a chance to realize our wildest creative fantasies... but the only grades we could achieve were C's and D's.  Or what if we received A's from others for doing what we loved, but inside our neurotic heads still felt that we had not risen above F's?  What then?  

We don't know.  It's unlikely we ever will.  Meanwhile, here we are: two very different individuals with incomparable pasts, presents, and futures, but virtually in the same imaginary place - a dingy dinghy with a sad name Gloomy Fool. 

CFO Folklore: Ignorantly Insolent Bosses

In accounting and auditing, first two months of a fiscal year (for most, January and February) make up a period of Subsequent Events, which are directly related to a company's previous year's Financial Statements.  Goods listed as 12/31 inventory are (hopefully) selling; last year receivalbes are being collected; cash being disbursed for unpaid expenses that comprised your year-end payables and accruals.  Financial auditors specifically target these post-12/31 sales, receipts, and payments to test the accuracy of the Financial Statements.  

Business owners, most of them lacking formal accounting knowledge, are especially confused about the expenses: they see payments being made now for the last year's interests, services, and commissions, and it worries them that somehow the current period's profitability will be affected.  Never mind that every year you explain to them that these items have been already recognized as expenses in the previous fiscal period through payables and accruals, and, therefore, impact only current cash flow, not the operational performance.  Even the ones who don't ignore your explanations and, furthermore, remember some of the terminology you've used, can't help but be a little disconcerted.

So, let's say last week (a week of 02/11) you have approved a $75K commission payment due to a procurement agent for the fourth quarter of 2012.  It requires a second signature - your boss's.  Now, she sees the check and your approval.  She knows your qualifications and what you've done for her company.  Before meeting you, she didn't know anything about accounting and finance at all, but she has learned a great deal from you.  Yet, she is a Business Owner - someone who is not capable of making an effort to overcome her impulses.  The strength of the "I-pay-you" sentiment in her subconsciousness is empowering.

So, she comes to your office, announces the topic ("This commission check") and tries to formulate the question.  First, she mumbles something about "the last year's income," and then the light bulb comes on in her head and she asks, "Was the expense accrued?"

Your mind is very fast and in a fraction of a second a swarm of neurotic, childish thoughts storms through your head: "Are you fucking joking me?  This is from someone who had no concept of revenue and costs recognition?  From someone who like a fucking bookie recorded everything when cash exchanged hands?  You, bitch, didn't have proper records, reports, financial statements!  Your tax returns were made up!  Did you forget that the bank demanded you hire a CFO before they gave you the credit line?  Now, everyone gets weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual reports and statements, thanks to ME!  I pass audits and bank exams without anybody finding a single error or omission!  How dare you!!!"

But you have two post-graduate degrees, 20 years of business experience, a book on CFO's functionality, 10 years of age, and a lifetime of hard knocks over this privileged pixie financed by her husband.  So, you look her straight in the eyes and calmly, almost jokingly, say, "Are you checking on my work?  Accruals and prepaids is what I do.  This was a 2012 expense and, in accordance with the Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, it was recognized as such."

Look, the truth is you should not get upset at your bosses for who they are.  "...Forgive them, for they know not what they do," and all that.  I always say, they are like spoiled and unruly children, who cannot control themselves.  And as long as you need the salary, you have to continue swallowing their shit pills. 

I wish I could stop taking incidents like that personally.  People with my intellect, background, knowledge, and experience - professional, psychological, cultural - should just brush it off.  Yet again, if I was able to do it, I wouldn't have had this blog.

Newsflash: GOP Begs Obama for Tax Cuts via Radio? Seriously?

Dear readers!  We interrupt our previously scheduled postings for a series of very special announcements:

Radio waves are the last political resort. 

Apparently all other political channels are either broken or backed up by "more important" problems.  This passed Saturday, frustrated by the House/Senate stalemate, GOP asked Obama to keep Bush tax cuts intact via their radio address.   Is that what's going to work?  What is this the 1920s and everyone is glued to their Radiolas?    

Clearly, the issue that affects not just the monetary policies of this country, but also "minor" sociopolitical concerns such as, for example, the economic principles of true capitalism and definitions of social classes, cannot be successfully discussed in the policy-making branches of our government - the partisanism overpowers the reason.  So, the republicans decide to address the President directly... on the radio.  Moreover, on Saturday.  Don't they know that radio is primarily a weekday medium?  Most listeners tune in either on their way to and from work, or online in their offices.      

On the other hand, who the fuck cares? It's just an empty, check-mark step.  In reality, everyone is resigned to wait until November elections for the resolution anyway, because it's not the fiscal reasoning or survival logic that will dictate the decision.  The only thing that matters for the outcome of the tax-cut issue is which party prevails.  Meanwhile, GOP is trying to impress on their constituents that they are "doing something about it."   Just don't call it "pressing Obama" - that's way too blatant even for politicians.

Proof-positive: politicians are not real people.

Nearly 18 months ago, when President Barack Obama first threw the number $250,000 into the tax-cuts discussions, at least some financial publications, including MSN Money, questioned the suitability of that number as a middle-class ceiling.  Now, overwhelmed by the barrage of bad news, nobody talks about the number itself anymore.   

But I was always interested in understanding how the fuck they came up with that number?  What made "them" (whoever they are)  think that $250,000 salary qualifies someone as "wealthy?"  What kind of perverse minds decided that a small-business CEO, a senior financial executive, an adman, an average doctor, a sales person who spends 300 days a year on the road, don't belong in the middle class?  Are they an upper-crust?  Is it correct to bunch them up together with the private-equity billionaires or public companies' CEOs and make them pay taxes at the same rates? 

Yes, the majority of the general population will never make over $250,000.  But the same majority do not possess talents, perseverance, and drive of people who apply themselves to the best of their abilities and work 16 hours a day in order to make 6, 10, or even 15 times more than an average schmuck, who doesn't really try too hard and spends his workday surfing the Internet for TMZ news and shopping bargains.   

In fact, people who make $100,000 - $750,000 a year are usually the hardest-working sector of the middle class.  Most of them have built their careers or businesses from scratch.  And guess what?  They are not really that reach.  I know CFOs, doctors, lawyers, who make $300-$350K a year and worry that they will not be able to afford $245,000 a head in tuition, room, and board to send their children through a good college.   

And here lies the truth: the reason a random number is picked to determine who belongs to the middle class and who doesn't is because politicians are not real people.  Just like the super-rich, they are far removed from the reality of the every-day life.  Many of them are actually wealthy people.  And even those who are theoretically "middle-class" enjoy a lot of paid perks.  How can you possibly formulate the idea of social classes if most of your meals are paid by lobbyists and their clients?   

Administration doesn't care about the economic recovery of this country.

In principle, I would be very reluctant to agree with any official political statement.  But, whoever is actually behind the text of the GOP radio address got one thing right: small-business owners will be the first to suffer from increased taxes imposed on the earnings above $250,000.  Maybe the plastic people in Washington don't know this, but the majority of privately-held businesses are S-Corporations and transfer their incomes to owners' individual tax returns.

So, let's imagine such small business ran by two single partners, who work very hard to keep their business going, retain their 15 employees, and maybe even create new jobs.  If they are very good at what they do and also lucky, they may overcome all the difficulties of today's economic conditions and make $1,000,000 in net income. Good for them! 

Now comes the tax season.  Even though they left the entire million in the business, they have to split it and report $500K each  on their individual tax returns.  If the proposed tax rates are applied, together they will have to pay $335K to the federal government.  Add to that, state and local taxes - about $150K more, and the hard-earned $1,000,000 is immediately reduced to $515,000.  The $485K is taken away from the struggling business.

So, where is the incentive for the entrepreneurs to go on or go into the business?  What about the "middle-class" employees of these small businesses, those who make under $250K?  What will happened to them, when their employers go out of business squashed by these additional fiscal burdens on top of all other difficulties?  Do you think that the government cares about them, or the "economic recovery" altogether?  Or do they care about having enough money to bail out the next banking giant or a failing automaker?

The Clueless Boss of a Frustrated Downshifter

The economy and the resulting miserable state of the job market forced many financial executives to downshift, i.e. take jobs way below their levels of expertise, authority, and adequate compensation.  It's been almost a year since I wrote about the heartbreaking reality of first finding such a position and then accepting it for the sake of having food on the table and keeping the roof over your family's head.  Yet, the painful topic is still relevant.

But let's look a little further.  We have an opportunity to examine an interesting situation brought to my attention by an actual downshifter - a former CFO of a, now defunct, $500-million-dollar firm.  After a year of a futile job-hunting he accepted, at 50% of his former compensation, a Controller's position in a young and small ($30 million) company, ran by two owners - a female CEO and her partner with a COO title.  

How many times did I write about accidental bosses?  And here we go again: this business has started because the two partners got lucky. They were in the right place at the right time with extensive connections and sufficient funding at hand.  Neither of them actually needed it to survive, but the opportunity were too exciting to pass up. 

Guess what?  The CEO never led a company before.  She never even worked in a commercial enterprise.  Her partner has an MBA from an Ivy League school, but he only worked overseas.  Neither have the chops to make good executives, yet both have undeniable talents and a lot of enthusiasm.  She is a sales ace and the toughest negotiator you can find.  He is incredibly detailed-oriented.

Not only that they managed to get the company off the ground eight years ago, they kept it growing with minimal labor resources, including  a single bookkeeper.  Hiring a senior financial person was definitely not among their priorities. Until...  Some people are just born lucky.  An even bigger  opportunity presented itself.  To implement it they needed more capital.  The dogged COO wore down one of the major banks into providing them with a substantial trade finance line.  Among bank's mandates was hiring a proper Controller. 

Enter our former CFO.

Because both execs are not very clear on the leadership functions, the division of responsibilities is blurred.  The COO was in charge of the Controller's hiring.  The CEO never even saw the candidate's resume or salary history.  When COO decided that this is their guy, the CEO was called in for a minute to shake the future Controller's hand.  

Yet, once our downshifter started working there, he realized that the woman's word was the final authority on pretty much all other issues.  Now, because she lacks corporate experience, she is not capable of assessing the Controller's performance.  In her mind, any other accountant would provide the same input as this guy, who managed in the first three months to correct more procedural, systematic, recording, and administrative errors than he did in 25 years before this job. Moreover, he contributes into the company's strategic decisions.  All that for a price of a low-brow peripheral Controller.  The CEO has no clue that what she's got was a gift; that she got very lucky again and obtained an Hermes bag for the price of a Coach.

This is a big problem.  If your boss doesn't understand your value, she cannot appreciate your contribution. The fact that someone with lower qualifications and less experience would not be able to attend to the sophisticated tasks you accomplish remains unnoticed.  As a result, you are helping to better the company without a chance for a fair reward. 

What to do in this situation?  You are not the type to brag every time you do something extraordinary.  The first thought comes to mind is to re-introduce yourself.  The guy who hired you didn't share your resume with his partner, so give her one together with your salary history.  You can say, "I understand you've never had a chance to look at it before and I think it's not fair for either of us."   I know some people will say it's tasteless, but the options here are limited.

Secondly, you must propose a proper evaluation system for all staff members.  Because these people have no idea how to go about it, they will turn to you.  This is your chance!  Provide them with the format that allows employees to list their own accomplishments.  Then, make sure that reviews are actually conducted.

Finally, if you don't get satisfactory acknowledgement anyway, start looking for another job.  Maybe you will be luckier this time around.  It's like I always say, employment at will works both ways: they can separate from you at any time, but so can you.

Marina's Nightmare

I must've dozed off, or something...  And I dream that I died and went to hell.  There my soul is tortured by things I fear the most...

...I see the country that used to be a beacon of freedom for the oppressed being perverted into a security vault.  I see cameras, metal detectors, x-ray machines, bag searchers everywhere.  There are satellites looking straight at me.  Someone always watches, hears every whisper, reads every word I type on my computer... 

...I see that the notion of merit is dead.  All that matters now is who you know.  Connections and "club" memberships are the hottest commodities... 

...I'm forced to watch people merging into two groups: millions of those who barely manage to eke out a living from whatever professions or trades they forced upon themselves and a small number of comfortable others - nothing in between.  And on the top, there are a handful of secret billionaires who have been quietly buying up the world... 

...Someone murdered the free competition.  Small businesses fall down like slaughter victims.  Banking conglomerates are being bailed out of their greedy fuckups through the ponzi schemes of international borrowing, but the treasury is empty.  In horror, I look at the decaying corpse of the glorious industrialism formerly driven by the production of quality goods - now it's just a feed for the paper-trading worms...   

...I see special interests' money usher through the Supreme Court unconstitutional laws, re-directing average taxpayers' earnings right into the pockets of the paying monopolies...  

...And I see young fools, with no prospects for decent lives and no understanding of underlying reasons for it, burning with desire for a change.  They've been dumbed down to the point that they cannot formulate their purpose or devise an action plan.  They huddle in a tiny space, called Zuccotti Park, near the place they assume to be the source of their distress, simply because they have nothing else to do...

...I stop by a newsstand strewn with tabloids covered by repulsive photographs of insignificant clowns.  I manage to pluck out one "real" magazine.  It excitedly screams into my face that Lena Dunham has received four Emmy nominations for her half-baked mediocrity.  The well-connected and moneyed hipsters, she so skillfully represents, jump up and down like mad rabbits...

...And I see a 5-floor-high advertisement board of Katy Perry in 3-D, but I hear that Fiona Apple's The Wilder Wheel tour is not sold out...

...And I see the Redeemer, the young woman whose words and images have the power to alter people's consciousness.  But nobody can hear her as she is sealed into a cell of fear built by haters... And I know that I contributed to her imprisonment.  She is smashing her body at the see-through walls in exhaustive attempts to break free, and I am not able to help her.  And those who can, refuse to do it...  I feel impotent, paralyzed.  

It hurts so much inside, as if somebody put a grenade where my heart is supposed to be and it's exploding.  I scream in agony.  I claw at my chest, trying to let the pain out.  I whisper to myself, "Wake up, wake up!"

Only, I cannot wake up.  This is not a dream and I am not dead.  This is the hell of my actual existence.  

R.I.P. the Queen of Romantic Comedy Nora Ephron

It's hard to believe that the witty romanticist of Upper West Side, Nora Ephron, is gone.  It seems that it was only yesterday (actually more than four years have gone) that she was concerned about the condition of her neck.  And what a classy dame - managed to hide her leukemia from nosy parkers of the media variety; wrote a script (Lost in Austen) and committed to direct it in 2013, as if nothing was going on!

Here is someone who didn't ride to her fame on the back of the nepotism (both her parents were Hollywood screenwriters).  She was in her late 30s when she started transferring her writing skills from journalism to TV and 41 when she penned her first movie script (together with Alice Arlen) for Silkwood directed by Michael Nichols.

At her best, she was able to reach a remarkably broad audience.  Her female characters were tested by circumstances, connections and emotions familiar to anyone.  In her greatest hits (When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, You've Got Mail) she managed to make her writing both highbrow and accessible at the same time - a rare feat in contemporary cinema.  Her writing skillfully combined sharp humor and intelligence with uplifting, almost fairy-tale, aspirations to achieve human happiness.  As the result, these movies have become undeniable critical and commercial successes.  Together they grossed $572 million to date, returning 5.6 times of their total budgets.

Most importantly, Nora Ephron left us with fond recollections of funny moments and snappy quotes that will be affectionately cited by fans and shamelessly imitated by other writers for generations to come.  And for that we are grateful to you, Nora Ephron.      

 

Lessons from the Author of "CFO Techniques"

Or Ten Things Your Publisher Will Forget to Tell You.

Disclaimer:  The following conclusions are based on a specific experience of one first-time author with one particular publisher.  Marina Guzik does not infer that any other writer of professional books, working on her first or n-th opus for any other, or even the very same, publisher would encounter the same disappointments. 

1.  There will be no color inside your book.  Color printing is expensive and the publisher's intent is to keep the production cost to a bare minimum.  So, all your colorful charts and graphs will be in fifty shades of gray (pun is always intended). The good news is that many people read eBooks now and those are full of color.

2.  As I found out after the signing of the contract, publishers of professional literature utilize a practice of technical reviewing.  Regardless of your credentials, depth of knowledge, experience and professional stature, the publishers will need to hire someone for 2 cent per page to serve as a technical reviewer for your book.  This person's job is to verify that you did not make any errors in definitions, calculations, etc.

3.  Amazingly, this technical reviewer will get his bio printed prominently in the Front Matter right after your own, the author's.  Moreover, the publisher's production department will not have enough common sense to at least make it shorter than the one provided by the humble author, who thought it was unnecessary to list all her accomplishments.

4. Speaking of production.  Somehow their compiler squashes words together, cuts out letters in the illustrations, and does other weird things to the final book layout.  So, after everything is done, you will still need to reread your book in its entirety, fishing out this stupid shit, before giving your final-draft approval.  

5.  As you get closer to the finish line, the publisher will randomly move the book's release date back and forth, due to some internal considerations (like printing arrangements), without letting you know.  So, don't book that wrap party for yourself (did you think for a second that the publishers will do it?) until the book is actually out. 

6.  If the publisher includes a Promotion clause in your contract, which states: "We’ll promote the Work, using Our reasonable judgment about the methods and amount of promotion," you should understand that it means they will not spend a penny on promoting your book - there will be no advertising, no sales tables at the professional conferences, and stuff like that.  There will be nothing, except their "wonderful PR team's" campaign.  

7.  There are Publishers and there are publishers.  If your book is with Wiley, for example, it will be handled by a stronger public relation team.  On the other hand, smaller, less known publishers are staffed with people who didn't make it into the world of the big-time PR influence.  They don't have connections and their rolodexes are skimpy.  They don't have a pull to call on, let's say, a reviewer at Financial Times and recommend your book.  So, their entire "promotional campaign" amounts to posting a public release on PRWeb.com and, allegedly, mass-emailing it to their undisclosed distribution list. 

8.  That single promotional tool, the public release, will be written in a wooden, cumbersome language.  Moreover, it will misrepresent some crucial aspects of your book.   And when you rewrite it yourself to make it snappier and smarter, they will completely ignore your version and post their own anyway.  They will add insult to injury by misspelling your name under your quote.    

9.  If you dare to express your frustration with all this bullshit on the pages of your blog, which is specifically designed as a venting outlet, they will lash out at you and then shut you out: they will not even list your book among their featured titles.

10. Last, but not least, the various eBook versions (Nook, Kindle, ePub, PDF, MOBI) will not be protected by any resellers.  They will be ripped off every legitimate site, including that of your publishers', and offered for free on the Internet.  Thus, your copyrights will be brutally infringed and your meager ability to earn any royalty off of your own work will be drastically diminished.  The publishers will not do anything about it.  They will not even reply to your emails on the subject.  

You have to appreciate, though, what they do tell you in advance:

1.  Even though there are 6 million companies with less than 100 employees in this country and you wrote a book that can help them to survive, you can consider yourself lucky if a few thousand copies will be sold in several years.  How many small-business owners and their downtrodden senior financial managers have you seen improving their organizations by the book?   

2. Hence, there is no fame or fortune in writing professional books; 

3. It's not the book itself, but what you do with it.

Knowing this keeps you real.  If you are not going to promote the book at your own expense, or utilize it to enhance your professional exposure, accept the fact that seeing it published simply massages your ego.  Nothing more.  

HBO's "Girls" Still Play with "Tiny Furniture" - Part V: What Is to Be Done?

Continued from the Previous Post

There is a moment of truth (actually, two truths) at the end of "Tiny Furniture." Aura (Lena Dunham) tells her mother, "I want to be as successful as you are." And that's all it is about: not the Story, not the characters, not the message, not the art; it's about fame and recognition. If you ever watch her talk-show interviews, notice how she never looks at the audience. She doesn't care what their reaction to her is. She is intent on the celebrity host in front of her - always ready with some statement of admiration.

In response to Aura's (Lena's) admission, her mother (Lena Dunham's real mother) says, "Oh, you will be more successful than I am. Really, believe me." And that's, ladies and gentlemen, is a promise made by someone who knows a full power of her influence. Many mothers are ready to sacrifice their lives for their children, but only a few, have means to part the Red Sea of obstacles in the way of their offspring's march to success.

Some people, I am sure, will be surprised by the extent of this five-part "feature article." Well, what can I say? Nepotism is one of my themes. It happens everywhere and pretty much in the same manner, but an entertainment case is easy to breakdown into crucial components for everyone to understand.

Lena Dunham is not a talentless person. She is apparently an intelligent and well-read cinephile. Most likely, if I met her casually, I would enjoy talking to her. But she did benefited from nepotism unfairly - her output did not deserve all the noise around her. Maybe eventually she would arrive there anyway, with more mature and important material. Instead, she got ahead of other talented and brilliant young people, who are deprived of the ability to deliver their important messages to the world because they have no connections and no funds to produce their projects or hire PR firms.

And that's, boys and girls, where your already hopeless economic predicament becomes even more hopeless. The resources that could've been used for worthier projects (or jobs that could've been filled by worthier candidates) go to those who have connections. Some Internet writers predict "Lena Dunham's inevitable world domination," and they are absolutely correct - the connected people will always know how to work the world machine to their advantage.

So, 150 years after Chernyshevsky, I have to ask the same question, "What is it to be done?" Well, I am not claiming to be a revolutionary. As a matter of fact, I always say that Compromise is my middle name. You don't get to have any career at all if you don't play along at least to some degree.

So, the only advice I can render is this. If you have a real talent and desire to succeed, don't give up. Work hard and produce deliverable products; fight your fears and insecurities; build your own connections; keep people in your iPhone, even if you don't like them; knock at all doors and use whatever resources you can gather to help you reach your targets. I cannot promise that it will work, but if you don't keep trying, only lena-dunhams will always win.

The End